After getting off to the worst possible start to the weekend things could only get better (cue "The only way is up" music from TOWIE in the background). After realising I'm no domestic house husband my bedsheets now look like a ku klux klan member has been in a fight with Mr. Hanky the xmas out of South Park. To make matters worse my lucky boxers have now been ruined as well...two words...not happy!!!
The next part of my day consisted of me researching caribbean takeout venues. The nearest one I managed to find was in Perth which is approximately a 5 hour plane ride away so looks like I'm stuck with another week of Maccas, Hungry Jacks and Dominoes on "Cheap Tuesdays" until I learn how to cook or I find someone to cook for me (hint,hint!)
In order to soothe my pain and suffering I decided to stock up on my weekly supply of custard creams (best biscuits in the world hands down!) but was forced to settle for a pack of "nice biscuits". Talk about a kick in the teeth!!! Can this day get any worse?!?
On to the weekend where I spent the majority of my time at work getting abused whilst refereeing football matches where australians attempt to play the game the english try so desperately to succeed in...either way both nations have no chance of winning any silverware if this showcase of talent has anything to go by.
Saturday night was definitely one to remember for various reasons. Could you believe it....a dancehall/reggae rave in Sydney?!? I encountered my first interaction with a group of "bogan" (chav's) whose first words to me where "where the n*ggas"?!? From there on in I knew it would be an eventful night. Thinking back to my school days I always thought having my measles vaccination was the most painful thing I had been through until I had to watch these aussies try and dance to dancehall music. My eyes was not prepared for the atrocities that took place before them. Obviously I had educate them in true "Forde Esq" fashion pulling "boggles" and "dutty wines" out of thin air much to the appreciation of the crowd ;) "Couples" or men and women looking to lucky were "grinding" / dancing with each other as if they were having seizures or listening to Justin Bieber music either way they sure as hell wasn't listening to the same music as me.
Haven't they heard of youtube over here?!? Dear oh dear!!
Shortly after watching this massacre on the dancefloor the cavalry had arrived in the shape of 4 black guys who were late as ever running on typical black people time restoring unity and normality to such as joyous event therefore making "us" "5 deep in this b*tch"...Yeah Buddy!!!
Part 2 of the transformation over to Pastor Forde led me say goodbye to Miss July (sob sob). Her last words to me were "Hey I forgot to say you remind me of Tinie Tempah you know"....Ironically the sight of her feet nearly made me "Passout" so maybe it was blessing in disguise. Remember Ladies "cleanliness is next to godliness" so step you feet game up before walking out the house with your feet looking all ashy with toenails looking like doritos corn chips between your toes...you have been warned!! Amen!!!
I also got to witness some people being baptised which was cool but what was really the spectacle of the night for me was seeing two black people being dunked in the holy h20 without armbands or flotation devices because we all know black people can't swim right?!? (apart from eric the eel of course)
After the plunges in the pool I couldn't really tell you what happened after that as I nodded off and was kindly awoken by the sound of my own snoring and some sly digs in the ribs from the people sitting around me. Put it this way, if looks could kill I would be attending my own funeral rather than a worship service!!!
Also before slipping into the land of nod I realised that wearing your traditional "Sunday Best" must be a thing of the past. Remember when your mum would make you wear those trousers that were too big for you and made you look like MC Hammer with that shirt that had a few buttons missing and your dad's tie (NO...just me then huh?!?) well now that look has died out with the jheri curl as the youth of today are strolling around the lords hourse in snapbacks, hoodies, basketball jerseys and skinny jeans. I've heard of a ghetto gospel but jeez!
Anywho, now I'm a man of the lord now (for all of two weeks now) I suppose I should leave on a positive note. Something my uncle once told me and I still remember it to this day. "You only get out what you put in" in life. So if you apply this phrase to any given circumstance positive results will take place in due time. On that note I'm out. Till next time, same black man...same non black country!!!
Forde Esq.
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