Black Man In Australia - Chapter 12

Well wasn't this week a turn up for the books?!? Luck has finally seemed to swung my way with a new job, new place and plenty of memorable experiences to overshadow a hellish previous week.
To kick off the weekend we finally got the all clear to move into the new property after a nightmare 3 months in the undesirable end of Surry Hills. Remember I said I was looking for a place to live in last week's blog....NO?!?...It's alright...take a look back...don't worry...I'll wait...(counting fried chickens)....found it?!?....GOOD! Well now I can be found in the welcoming streets of Glebe overlooking the Anzac Bridge and the City...what a touch!

As always, moving house is never an easy task and my previous landlord didn't exactly helps matters after re-inspecting my cleaning standards and therefore docking $50 off my bond....don't mess with my money man..not impressed! To take the edge off the day, me and new housemate Lee decided to take a visit to the legendary "Star" Casino where punters were decked out in their Sunday best on a busy Saturday afternoon. The "mini vegas" seemed like a sanctuary too many of these patrons who were firmly rooted to their tables and pokies in desperation for that final payout. Lucky for us we knew when to say "enough was enough" and left the casino with double our money...result!

So onto Saturday night and as always I was attempting to paint the town red....or at least some sort of colour to celebrate my turn of good fortune. After being unable to enter a club due to my "lack of collar".....(I hate these type of venues by the way!) I was left to make my return to "Booty Bar" and folks it certainly lived up to it's name I'll tell ya! The music was a tad outdated for me but the scenes were a joy to behold as the women looked like they were auditioning for a career on the "pole" with clear heels and boob tubes in full attendance. I also noticed that the best way to gain a females attention is to stand in front of a mirror as Sydney women must love the look of themselves more than we do as I was constantly faced with pouting ladies and girls flicking their hair throughout the duration of night...nothing I'm not use to of course! ;)

Church this Sunday was more off a wake up call then ever before with the Pastor referring to "Changing Your Heart" to ensure you live a better life and have a better chance to get to the pearly gates......I guess I should start now before it's too late! With that being said my prays must have of been answered because my week has been blessed ever since....don't knock it until you try it people....two thumbs up God. Scouring the room during this time of worship I witnessed the masses mumbling to themselves, begging for forgiveness and good fortune. I only hope they get the same amount of love shown to them as there has to me.

So the start of the week had a lot to live upto and so far so good with me gaining additional work coaching football in Lough Park in Double Bay aka Wysteria Lane. Throughout these glorious summer mornings I've been treated to good weather and Banana bread on tap....it's a hard life! Hot soccer mum's dropping their kids off checking out the "newbie" coach in action i.e. "ME" made me feel right at home as I settled in gracefully into the team full of overseas instructors. One comment that stuck out like a sore thumb was when I was introduced by the head coach to the kids as "Coach Clinton" and one of the kids shouted out "that's the black one".....10 points for observation son...then another replied "he looks like Seal".....grrr...another name added to the lookalike list....how many is that now?!?

Breaktime......So it's time for lunch and I decide to venture into Bondi Junction to waste some time before my next shift and I decide to stroll into a shop called "Hot Dollar" to pick up some items for the house. Little do I know when I'm browsing the shelfs I'm getting followed around the shop by an asian guy that made me think back to the Liquor store scene out of the film 'Menace To Society"....we all know what happened there right?!? Lucky for him I left my "strap" at home so in the end I just smiled and vacated the premises with my dignity intact.

"Menace To Society"....Clinton = "O-Dog" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8lRjXf2IK0

From there came the ever so rewarding task of refereeing 5-a-side league football matches at my other job where I was treated to the sight of womens football....wait....it gets better!!! Although they don't take it as serious as men do they have enjoy much more much banter than the fellas with one remark that had me in stitches during the game from the moment I heard it. When complimenting a player on their heading ability by saying "Good head" she instantly replied with "that's what all the men say" and smiled and gave me a cheeky wink.....love it!

Tuesday saw the return of old school hip hop legends Bone, Thugs and Harmony at the Metro Theatre and it felt like I was back in a "Coffee" shop in Amsterdam. Obviously the no smoking rule inside a public venue rule doesn't apply to a Bones Thugs concert as the auditorium was filled with sweet smelling haze that had everybody mellowed out and hungry...I wonder what that could be?!? Whatever it was I'm sure it had an effect on Krayzie Bone's vision as his eye were lazier than a fat person with a butt scratcher. Not to mention Wish Bone's choice of women that he brought onto the stage during their Club B.O.N.E dance off wasn't exactly the best pick of the bunch out of the crowd (apart from you Cinta of course Lol!).

So in all I'd say that I'm definitely back on the road to happiness with "Pain and Anger" in the rearview mirror and "Joy" firmly insight. Opportunities are presenting themself to me left, right and centre and I'm actually enjoying myself in the process...it's the way it's suppose to be I guess?!? As always I'll leave on a good note with the message to all that care to listen being "Don't Sell Yourself Short". In life, the things that you tend to be at good at are the things that your most likely to enjoy so why not use them to your advantage and maximise your opportunity. Whatever your gift or passion is ladies and gentleman...make use of it and don't let it go to waste.

As always I have to depart (I know, I know.....I'll be back like Arnie don't worry!) so be good and stay out of trouble.

Until next time

Take care

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 11

As another "eventful" week passes by in Sydney Australia I often quote to myself that famous Danny Glover line "I'm getting to old for this sh*t". My week got off to a bad start after learning the shocking news that someone back home used my identity to get themselves out of trouble, things from there got from bad to worse as I came home from work on Friday to find no electricity in my room whatsoever. Now I can really say that I'm living the life of a rap star in my "One Room Shack"...words taken from popular hip hop classic "Juicy" by Biggie Smalls. To add further insult to injury the soonest time the landlord could tend to the problem was within 2 hours and with me just buying a week's worth of refridgerated food it meant that I had a couple of hours spare to consume a fridge load of groceries to ensure it doesn't go to waste (not as easy as you think!). With this being said it gave me the chance to meet and greet my fellow housemates which turned out to be quite a blessing in disguise and a cultural lesson at the same time. Little did I know that I had a black housemate living next to me the whole time (how did he get here?!?) amongst the French, German and Swedish contingent sharing this "ghost" house of doom.

Earlier that day I got the chance to meet American rapper "Jeru The Damaja". Truth be told, before I met him I didn't know who he was or what material he had previously released but with the audience he had gathered to see him and the amount of hype he had surrounding his arrival in Australia I thought it would be foolish to turn down this free opportunity to meet him in the flesh. After getting my picture taken with him and speaking to him briefly he seems to be a very down to earth kind of guy and happy to be given the opportunity to return to a place he considers "his home away from home".

Judging by Friday's events my week had hit it's peak as not only did I take a positive step in the right direction in my quest to present on air on Australian radio but I also got to see Musiq Soulchild perform....wait for it....FOR FREE (Everyone loves a freebie right?!?). During my stint at 2SER radio last Friday I was given the opportunity to panel on the show which is definitely an upgrade from choosing the music right?!? Anyways, after completing the show I later went onto find out that the shows podcasts received over 1500 hits...magic touch maybe?!?...who knows?!?. Leading onto the concert and it's all quite strange and spontaneous of me how this classic "hook up" came about. Feeling quite down after the weeks event and it being a Friday I wanted to "let my hair down" (of what little I have left of it anyway) I remembered seeing these Musiq Soulchild posters plastered all over Sydney's CBD lamp posts so me being me I decided to put it out there via Facebook to see if anybody had a tickets going spare for the show. Little did I know that my prayers were being answered by the legendary Travis (thanks bro!) who knew of the right people to not only get us in the door of the concert but the afterparty as well....(now that's what I'm talking about!!!). Not only did I get to try out the worlds best dumplings at Din Tai Fung (they were AMA-ZING! by the way!!) but I got to stand right at the front of the concert to see Musiq perform...and when I say right at the front I mean the guy was literally spitting on me the whole night through every song.....it's ok I had a face cloth and some anti bacterial spray with me people so we're cool. In all seriousness though the guy has talent especially with the ladies with alot of them busting a gut just to touch his hand whilst others gazed at his presence lip syncing his lyrics.....(oh to be that guy!)

After be being spurred on by the week's events, Saturday saw me and my fellow housemates to be view some of the best and worse (and I mean worse) properties in and around the city of Sydney. Where one of the properties overlooked the beautiful scenery of the city and the Anzac Bridge other places had resembled a jail cell and with spongy floors and had a whole in the floor which was labelled as a "onsuite bathroom"....are you kidding me?!? Funny enough it was the "Ghetto Fabolous" apartment that was first to snapped up off the market......god help who ends up living there!!!

After another sensible night in on Saturday, Sunday definitely made up for it. At work marked the return of another monthly football (soccer) tournament where locals and regulars of the centres got given the chance to showcase their skills and pump up their ego's in the hope of winning a cash prize of $1,000 dollars. With this always comes a knock on effect to yours truly as I had to referee the whole tournament much to my delight and ear bashing at the same time. Quizzed on my eye sight, judgement and knowledge of the game for most of the afternoon I finally got to see why officials put themselves through this experience on a weekly basis....(erm....the money?!?). Swiftly moving on to the lord's house where theres never a dull moment. This week marred the absence of big momma and crazy phone guy who were replaced by the Collection Box Cheat and Mother Tulisa. I've already made my thoughts known about the lengths churches go through to collect money from people to praise the lord but when I seen a fellow "worshipper" take change from the collection box in exchange for his offering my man had sunk to a new low. This was then followed by spiritual healer who decided to plant her hands on my forehead in hope of curing my headache gained from my footballing woes earlier that morning. When questioned by Mother T if it had worked I smiled and thanked her for her efforts. Little did she know my pain had spread from my head to my heart from what I had witnessed earlier on that night.

I would get onto this week's events but my internet time is running low and I ain't got no spare change to top it up so with that being said I'll leave you guys with this message...."Treat People How You Would Want To Be Treated". I find that if you treat people badly or undermine them in anyway don't be surprised if the favour is returned in due course. On the other hand, if you treat people with respect and the honesty they deserve then I guarantee you will have a friend for life and an alibi when things go horribly wrong!

Until next time peeps

Peace out

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 10

Being reminded that I'm only in Australia for a year definitely has it's advantages and disadvantages I'll tell ya....where many of you back home are thinking that I'm lounging on a beach, watching "Home and Away" and petting kangaroo's every 5 minutes it's actually a lot different out here than people think!!! The constant work vs lifestyle balance has decided to follow me over to the sunny shores of Sydney to where I'm trying to satisfy both matters at hand within these working holiday visa constraints...not an easy task believe me!!!

Anyways, enough of the mellow dramatics and onto the past week which has seen me turn some heads...Literally. Let me cast your mind back to last Thursday which for me is the start of the week (why you ask?!?)...3 reasons...One, because I started this blog on a Wednesday so it seemed right in my head to start my official week from the Thursday Two, because I like to start the weekend early (eager I know!) and Three, because I arrived in Australia on a Thursday....confused?!? Don't worry about it...Back to the story....so I enter this hip hop and rnb club EARLY (no entry before 10pm....I'm on a budget...and what!) and it felt like I walk in there naked because the 18 black people (yh I counted) that were in there stared at me like I was an all you can eat buffet at Nando's...no lies!!! The first up to approach me was a guy from the states who immediately hit me with the line "you ain't from around here are you"....as much as I wanted to try out my best aussie accent and fool him I replied "no"..."what gave it away"....then my man gave an honest reply and said "because all the black folk that ever come to this joint are in here already"...."sigh"...after sharing some common observations on the lack of black folk in Australia and our admiration for jerk chicken (it's not just me!) he then asked me...."you got any weed"....I ain't gonna tell you what happened next....just remember kids...what happens in Sydney....stays in Sydney.

Onto my next interraction with "my sister" who was coming on a little to strong for my liking complimenting my "swag" (I'm fly I know!) and how she loves my british accent but for me I think she overstepped the boundaries when she commented on if my shoe size (I'm size 11.....twinkle toes baby ;) ) matched what's in my briefs **hides face** (oh no she didn't...oh yes she did!). This conversation as imagined died a slow death quite soon after this...Word to the wise ladies...good pick up lines work both ways! Overall the night was a success and I'm sure I'll be back in there sooner rather than later now that I'm part of the "family"!!!

Friday seen me link up with the old Fit 'N' Fast crew in Newtown before heading back into the city where we was lucky enough to party up in a penthouse apartment overlooking the city of Sydney. The view was amazing while the apartment itself was equally as breath taking (think MTV cribs minus the pool / cinema and hot cars outside!). After listening to Jaims' rendition of Backstreet Boys (I've still got that on my phone somewhere) and celebrating Johnny's promotion (congrats bro!) we was left reminiscing on past memories and new futures...ahh what a Walt Disney moment!!

That leads me swiftly on to Saturday where in the daytime I decided to switch back into tourist mode and visit Cockatoo Island where the name of the "island" doesn't really tell the full story. When you think of a island...your imagining palm trees, beaches and cocunuts right?!? Well in this case there was none of that as this island is full of recycled bits of material that they have some how turned into art...lets continue....from one of the exhibitions I witnessed a lady cutting the edges on a piece of paper...now really is that what you guys consider art?!? She must be a cut above the rest (bad pun!) but at least she's getting paid for what she loves I guess. Onto the night time and where I seen the nicest piece of generousity since people bought Soulja Boy's album (yeah I went there!) when a young man who was on a night out with his friends stopped inside Hungry Jacks to buy a homeless girl a whopper meal and even gave her the change....I'm not too sure what his was intentions were but from the outside looking in they looked genuine...what a guy!. As always, I was in search of the best hip hop spot to save my eardrums from crying and by chance I bumped into a random black bouncer on Oxford Street who was heading to Kings Cross.....now for those who haven't been there the contrast between clubbing in the city (CBD) and Kings Cross can definitely be described as "Chalk and Cheese" and this latest excursion to the "cross" was a definite cheesefest cos there was alot of "rats" out if you catch my drift.

Women looking to enjoy themselves as many ways as possible would be the best way to describe what I saw on Saturday night from taking shots off body parts to inviting men into the ladies toilets (i'm assuming to help them hold their hair back when they're spewing up in the toilet....hmmmm!). Anyways, the night ended early as I had to be responsible and wake up for work the next day (how boring am I?!?).....don't worry I'll make up for it this week.

On to Sunday, where once again I entertained 20 kids through the beautiful game of soccer...I mean football. Whenever I work with children there's always that one kid that hasn't had enough "timeouts" to realise he's doing wrong and I'm always the badguy who has to let them know what time it is and today was no different. With this being said parents were more than satisfied with my performance so much so that two took my number and asked me to look after them during the holidays....is someone up there trying to prepare me for fatherhood?!? Later on that evening at church as always it was eventful to say the least. Running late after my midday nap (I'm getting old you know!) I decided to board the free shuttle so I didn't miss the start of the service. After the boarding the bus I decided to take a seat by myself at the back of the bus where there was nobody to be seen or bother but less than a couple seconds later "Big Momma" decides to sit next to me and decides to get acquainted with my crotch area leaning across me and making herself right at home (Big Momma...NOOOOO!!!). She's busy telling me about her grankids where I'm thinking I ain't gonna get to see my grankids if she don't get of my family jewels. Luckily enough it's only a short journey to church so "meat and two veg" lived to see another day (close call there lads!).

The madness doesn't stop there folks...before getting into the service I decided to make a quick pit stop to see what the damage was to my men and take a leak at the same time and before I knew some guy tries to have a conversation to me about god....are you taking the piss?!?.....wrong time...wrong place to be having a deep and meaningful conversation I zipped up and was gone in 60 seconds flat...even Usain couldn't catch me!

The service itself was memorable though which touched me soo much I'm going to use as my final thought. The subject title this week was "Your identity determines your destiny" which to me speaks volumes because you can't escape who you are in life. If you're a bad person who does bad things you're going to lead a bad life and end up in jail, committing crimes or dead before your time. If you're a good person who works hard your going to get the most out of life and have the best memories so when the pastor said these things I had a "wow" moment which I thought I would share with anyone who takes the time to read this (thanks by the way!). Anyways, my brain is starting to throb which means I'm using it too much and I need to see a celebrity about adopting a black guy into their family (any Madonna's or Angelina Jolie's out there?!?)

Until next time people

Keep it real, be yourself and confident in who you are because there is NO ONE like you!!!

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 9

It seems my underdying infatuation for Australia is slowly dying out and turning into a love/hate affair if this weeks events has anything to go by.

I start off with employment which has definitely taken a turn for the worse. In the past 2 days my career in hospitality has nose dived into non existence with me losing out on 3 jobs / job opportunities in quick succession. Lines or excuses that were used in these instances included "This isn't the right career path for you" and "My face doesn't fit what were they were looking for"....and not to forget the classic "It's just not working out is it"......I'm sure if I had hung on any longer I would of heard something like "It's not you it's me" which goes without saying to be the most common break up line known to man....ah well...they can't keep a good man down I suppose.

On the next one like jigga man would say...which leads me onto discovering this Beyonce lookalike of my dreams or shall I say nightmares by the end of our very brief encounter. **Brothers can I get a soul clap please**....Ladies, when you step out into this beautiful world that we live in and have your "assets" on show please don't be offended if a guy fails to make eye contact with you...you obviously got taught about the "birds and the bees" especially since your pushing a baby stroller around so please wind that neck in and take it as a compliment. Once "B" (which I'm only referring to her as this due to her tendency to "bark" orders at me) clocked onto what I was observing she decided to turn nasty and try and cuss me out...but what she failed to realise was that her hench foot camel toes were to big for her dainty size 4 flip flops which ended in her tripping up and head butting her pram revealing "half" of her "worldy goods" for the men and women to see at the bus stop.....HAHAHAHAHA....In Yo' Face!!!! Thanks for show love!!!

Back to church and since they had no evening service I had to struggle (and I mean struggle) to get up out of bed early to attend the morning service...talk about your dedication. After missing out on my normal seating place I was forced to sit next to the "Psycho Sister aka Church Try Hard" who was carrying on like a lunatic in "the name of Jesus"...apparently!!! Clapping off beat and crying out randomly to the lord is probably not the best way to get the big mans attention and a routine I will not be practising......."Excuse me which way is the bathroom?!?" After that timeout and genuine toilet break I ended up sitting next to a guy who spent the rest of the service on the phone making calls to babymother(s), clients and pretty sure domino's pizza unless getting a slice of the hot stuff with those things I like was some sort of sexual innuendo....I'll let you be the judge.

As for the clubbing scene, I may have been put onto a winner (thanks Nicole) from Saturday's result. $20 entry fee for your best rnb and hip hop music from around the globe. The only downside to it was everybody looked like they got dressed in the dark. Guys wearing jeans that professor klump would describe as baggy along with G-Unit tanktops that could be mistaken for bra's....two words..."not pimpin'" springs to mind...where's the fashion police when you need them! Don't even get me started on the ladies as some of them were looked like they escaped from Steve Irwin's zoo....I'm sure Gorilla's and Tasmanian devils belong in the jungle right?!?

Leading swiftly onto the start of the week where I made a rare venture out on a Monday night to Side Bar which for me ended early...no I wasn't wasted....no I didn't score (say what!)....I was just tired and fell asleep in the corner of the bar and got woken up by a bouncer who's last words were "I think you've had enough mate".....yeah I've had enough of this place mate...I'm outta here!!!

Yesterday saw my australian radio career step up a gear as I got to record my first advert.....(woo hoo!) Sitting there minding my business in the music library I got "the call" to come into the studio and record a couple of voice overs for acts I probably won't ever get to meet or listen to but they now have the privlege of having my voice promote their work (lucky them!). To top things off the sales manager came in and said that I had a "voice for a radio" which I guess is a step up from having a "face for radio" so I will take my "props" where I can get them...thank you very much!!!

I know I'm losing you now so I'll keep my ending short and sweet...my wise words for this week are......wait for it......"Don't give up".......on that your career path, on that car you want, on that holiday you've been planning, on that girl / guy you've been texting.....the list is endless. As long as you want it hard enough keep pursuing your dreams....The wait will be worth it!!!

Enjoy the rest of your week people

Over and Out

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 8

As I slowly settle into a life in Sydney Australia I often think to myself "Why has it taken so long to move out here". Surrounded by friendly people, good weather, well paying jobs and hot women the choice is an easy one for anybody contemplating the big flight across from England.

Anyways, back to the weeks events which seen me stumble across the love of my life and she didn't even know it yet. On the way to work (on time my add as as well!) I was drawn to a red bull promotions van blaring some crazy house music which led to me being signalled inside to meet none other than former surfing world champion and future Mrs. Forde Sally Fitzgibbons. Obviously, I didn't know this at the time (the surfer bit anyway!) but I played it cool as a cucumber just strolling in off the street to collect my free can of Red Bull. After battling through all the photographers and entourage making a big song and dance about her I thought I might as well let her get a picture with me to make her day before heading for the exit towards work. Thanks to the assistance of google and my dear friend Chantal I now always have a reason to come back to Sydney in the future....see you soon Sally x

The next highlight of my week came from me venturing out on a "school night" (that's right!) to support the Signacion team who performed live at The Bank nightclub in Kings Cross. Seeing these guys on stage was a joy to watch and I really think they will go far in life and their careers especially with the team they have around them. The guys that performed on stage that night showed a lot of potential and can easily go toe to toe with any underground rap artist that I've seen perform live in the UK / US. It was so inspiring I was thinking of dusting off the old book of rhymes and seeing if I've still got it lol but for now I'll let the guys have their time to shine.

Last but no means least seen me get involved in someone elses business....BIG MISTAKE!!! On my way back from the shops I seen a man and a woman having a physical altercation in the street whilst cars tried to dodge them in broad daylight and as onlookers were just gazing in amazement I thought i'd try and be a "hero" and stop the fight...even BIGGER MISTAKE.....before I could get to break it up the woman unleashed a slap that I'm sure you people heard in England which sent my man to the floor....from this moment I was in two minds.....I could either help the guy to his feet and dust him off and calm the girl down or laugh and practice my best impression of Smokey from the film "Friday" and yell "You got knocked the f*ck out"

(Check the video below for a reminder....I swear it was like this lol!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KSdZyvvhoM

Lucky for this guy it was a combination of the two but I still did the right thing and helped a damsel in distress (and a brother in need!)....I wish I had my camera with me lol

Friday and Saturday can basically be described with one word...bor-ing! I ended up staying in and watching old Eddie Murphy films and witenessed Newcastle Utd getting cheated out of a potential draw at Stamford bridge (it's alright I'll fight back the tears....somehow!). Sunday as always was a hoot with a old lady trying to give me a relationship advice...either that or she was hinting for a date (have I really got a thing for older women?!?).  Asking a stringful of intimate questions managed to see me narrow down my potential bride to be to replicate Kim Kardashian face with Jennifer Lopez bootay with the brains of Albert Einstein and the money of Richard Branson...the words ....Mission Impossible come to mind but believe me when I say this......the hunt is on...thanks for help Doris!!!

My last thoughts before I depart come from me simply keeping my options open. It's funny how one small simple life choice which was to wake up earlier on a Monday morning (battle of my life!) led to me opening up several more doors of opportunity for me that day and for the future. I suppose the best thing to take from this is to never say never when an opportunity or chance is presented to you because you never know where it may lead you to.

Anyway folks, my hands are getting tired folks so until next time....keep safe and out of trouble!!!

Peace

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 7

As we finally start to warm up to the summer (thank god!) the time is finally upon us to start working on my tan (yes black people tan to you know!). Speaking of which, when I was in my local chemist looking to purchase some sun tan lotion I was casually checking out the factor 30+ and the assistant who I suppose was trying to "ässist" me asks me "Is this for you sir?!?"....now I could easily have taken this two ways...maybe even three but seeing as I was in a funny sort of mood I replied "yes I need it to top up my white bits".....the look on her face was priceless....hahaha!!!

So this week I said goodbye to my work colleagues and friends at Fit N Fast who went out of their way to sign a shirt for me as a memento of the memories that we had whilst working there....(where's a tissue when you need one!)...Good luck to you all!

On to church and this week I spent most of the service listening to a chinese man who I shall now avoid from every Sunday at all costs (sorry "Tone Death Tony") as he simply destroyed all musical notes known to mankind. Now I ain't no Luther Vandross but I know what sounds good from bad but folks this was awful. I'm sure you've heard of the term "voice like a strangled cat" well this was more "voice like constipated lion"....goodbye eardrums!!!!

Now as if I wasn't going to brag about my little 15 minutes of rapping fame from Friday night as I shared a memorable and somewhat messy night (ain't that right Patrick!) on Friday as myself and the tagroom team went out to "let our hair down". Being the black guy that I am I ended up coming out late so I had to catch up with the antics of the night and catch I did as I was led to some under ground karoake room club that we turned in to 106 and Park, although if I was to show you the video footage from the night you would think I was more biggie falls than biggie smalls...ah well....at least we had fun!!!

Saturday night saw the reunion of the former Nomads crew as I FINALLY got my invite round to see the girls new pad for their official housewarming....nice work ladies. After all going our seperate ways I ended up popping into cheers bars to watch the mighty toon destroy spurs 2-1 (cue hating yids fans haha!)

Back to work where I was given another compliment, this time by a woman that was only old enough to be mum this week (the age gap is getting smaller!) as she expressed her desire to me let me know that I should be on a TV advert looking all sharp (no lies!).....obviously from that moment on I was on high and then when I thought things couldn't get any better than this whilst powering a packed crowd of aussies and kiwis during an intense rugby game I hear someone yell "slow down Usain you nearly spilled my pint"....enter back into reality!

Come Monday morning the streets of Sydney were packed and buzzing as the Australian olympic team were being paraded around with their medals in tow. Typically I had the most entertaining seat in the house as I was stood next to a drunken hobo who was carrying a box of goon screaming "where's my Sally Pearson?!?"....as if she wants to see your $2 dollar a$$ fool! There's always one! Overall the day was a great turnout and only further inspired me to make sure i'm in Rio by 2016 for the next games....where's my passport?!? 

My message this week represents a trait that I'm guilty of but I'vebeen trying to work on for a long time now. Life indeed is too short....especially to hold grudges and as I've made friends and lost them I hope to some day reconcile with people that I was once close with even if its just to say "hi" and "bye" so there's no hard feelings.My advice to anyone who cares to listen is if you have anyone who you've fallen out with, take the time to talk out to sort out your differences before it's too late.

Catch you later

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 6

This blog was brought to you by the proud sponsors of Nando's and KFC.....known for satisfying more black men than Cheryl Cole.....Ohhh yeaahhh!!!

This week leaves me a  little disappointed especially with the end of the olympics. After viewing the millions of pictures, tag in's and statuses' highlighting the fun and excitement of this years event on Facebook I've been now diagnosed with "Post Olympic Blues" syndrome. In an attempt to fight my illness I decided to begin a fitness regime through the inspirational performances of brother Usain and uncle Mo which ended in an out of breath and slightly dizzy black guy getting assisted to the nearest park bench whilst jogging through Hyde Park....embarassing to say the least!

At least now the early morning wake ups will be replaced by lazy lie in's for all of a week as the premiership football season starts back up this Saturday....thank god!!! Cheers bar will now be my second home for the remaining 6 months every weekend providing me with football, football and more football happy days!!!

Things got worse as my two weeks of carribean cooking came to an abrupt end (temporarily I hope) as I had to settle for a medicore spaghetti bolognese meal for sunday dinner...For all you potential backpackers / travellers out there....please make sure take note of what your mum's dishing up for you on your plate as i'm sure you'll find it's easy to eat but a lot harder to make...believe me I've tried!

Saturday night led me to enjoy my first old school hip hop night whilst being in Australia. It was quite surreal being in that type of environment especially when most songs were dropping the "n"bomb like theres no tomorrow but I was the only person in the room who was "racically"allowed to say it. 

Back to work and whilst serving thirsty aussies and fellow expat's with glasses of golden joy (aka pints / schooners).  I was propositioned by an older woman in a bizarre business deal for my hand in marriage. Whilst explaining to her my reasons behind being in Australia and my love to stay here within the distant future she made me an offer that SHE couldn't refuse suggesting that I pay her $5,000 to marry her in order to stay here in the country....considering she looked like the back end of a bus and was high as a kite whilst sitting with her HUSBAND (may I add) I kindly refused and smiled cringly.....awkward!

At my other job I got caught "rack watching" when member 1001(yeah right like I'm gonna tell you!) was putting on more of a performance than a workout which definetly brightened up the day. After having her assets on display she winked to me on the way out leaving me thinking "She must have been doing on purpose"...hmmmm...interesting!

Church as always was amusing to say the least as I've now encouraged others to join me in this holy time of my life (does that make me a "bible basher"?!?).....During playful conversation before service commenced the subject "Sex before marriage" got brought up as a major talking point in regards to the youth of today. As they were making the their way around the group of people asking their opinions and own experiences I was dreading getting quizzed by their judging eyes and wagging fingers....luckily for me with seconds to spare the music hit therefore signifying the start of the next service at my chance to escape 21 questions....phew....now I definitely know what the term "Saved By The Bell" means.....if only they knew ay ;)

Leading smoothly onto my ""extracurricular activities" where I made a new friend who I shall refer to as"" Ed Sheeran on the sauce"" whilst blogging away for Tagroom.com. The guy was a definite Jeremy Kyle / Jerry Springer special case arriving 2 hours late for the start of his new internship....(I thought black people were bad!!!) He then proceeded to raid his new bosses fridge for food (I'm sure he's not black?!?) and then finally tries to pull off a magic trick that would make Harry Houdini turn in his grave after attempting to turn a pack of chewing gum into cigarettes....(for the last time he's not black!)....P.S. before leaving the room he revealed that he was fresh out of a medical centre and doesn't brush his teeth cos he's "low on funds"....and I thought I needed help!

Anyway, enough of my rambling on....with these last words I'll leave you with this message that stuck out to me like a sore thumb as I was flicking through my facebook contact lists with friends who are starting to make progress in their life, career and relationships through taking advantage of opportunities that they have created for themselves. In the past I've questioned why certain instances haven't worked out as planned and whilst being a firm believer that ""ëverything happens for a reason" I have now come to the conclusion that we create our own destiny in life through the people we meet and the choices we make in life. With this being said I wish you all every success in the future and I hope you do the same.

Until next week peeps!!!

Love from "Down "Under!!!

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 5

Hey Forde Fans! This week's adventure has brought me more pain and let down's than Australia's London Olympic gold medal count (haha.....sly dig!)

Today marks the 6 month anniversary of me being in Australia. Time definitely does fly when your having fun so long may it continue!!!

To start off the week I had my first near death experience whilst living in Australia (thanks Jaims lol!) when swallowing the protein shake of doom whilst at work. Little did I know that this shake contained more peanut butter than aisle 5 in Sainsbury's. This gesture of goodwill brought a tear to my eyes and made me sick to stomach (literally!).....Note to self...always ask what's in the bottle...one day i'll learn hey!!!

From there things went down hill as in my new job the dreaded black man "stereotype" appeared out of nowhere....it was bound to happen at sometime. Now I knew I came to this country with it having a bad reputation of being racist and so far I haven't experienced anything out of the ordinary but some australians are ignorant as hell. To think that black people only come from Jamaica or Africa is really worrying and patronising. Now I'm proud of being british with a Bajan (Barbados) background in case you didn't know but having to explain myself to each aussie who sparks the question and making them believe me is taxing to say the least. Do they really think I've made up a place called Barbados?!?...Have they not heard of Rihanna?!? Here's a suggestion for you aussies who missed out black people migrating, when planning your next trip abroad.....purchase a map and study it carefully cos these black folk get everywhere you know!!!

Moving swiftly on to church where my sleep deprivation karma must have caught up with me as my fresh white vans got ruined by a careless female who showed no remorse to this evil crime she had committed!!! I felt like cussing the b**** (hint: female dog) out but I'll stick with the PG less expletive version of "Jesus, Mary and Joseph" to describe my heartbreak.....rest in pieces white vans!!! From there I bumped into a man who had a head that only a mother could love that can only be described as a freak of nature who had an alien head that looked like the end result of Shrek and ET's secret lovechild....he had to be one of god's experiments cos that didn't look right at all....best believe I prayed for his soul...and his momma's lady garden...ouch!!!!

On to the good stuff where I got to taste a bit australian beach culture visiting the world famous BONDI BEACH....hooray!!! In all honesty, I was a little bit disappointed as when I got there all there was sand and water?!? God knows what I was expecting but I don't know why so many people rave on about it soo much but in contrast it's alot better and cleaner than Brighton beach and warmer too so....roll on the summer.....beach body at the ready!!!

On this week's menu of west indian fine dining was curry goat and rice...get in!!! Mum's Cooking 0 - Clinton's Belly 2....Happy days!!! Roll on this Sunday!!! I also got a taste of the social media world through volunteering for a couple of local radio stations and an upcoming social media news website. All banter taken into account, I know what your thinking.....(he's got a face for radio....haha very funny...NOT!). Be warned though If you don't be nice to me from now on I will reveal your deepest and darkest secrets (cue: evil laugh lmao!)

To wrap up this week of up's and down's I'll sign off with this message that I discovered while being inspired by soo many young and upcoming australian entrepreneurs. While some may not have the brains or technical know how as others they certainly make up for it in hard work and commitment which leads me to the phrase of "Hard Work Beats Talent". So even if you haven't been blessed with brains like Albert Einstein or Stephen Hawking you can still get to where you want to in life by dedicating your time, effort and love to getting to where you want in life.

Until next time Forde Fans!!!

Catch you later!!!

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 4

G'day Pimpin' (Had to be done lol!)

First up I have to rant about the Olympics!!! Yes it's finally here, after waiting for sooo long the wait is over but the trouble is...all I ever get to see is Australians TV!!! Now obviously being in Australia it's a given that all of the programming will be tailored towards watching these kangaroo loving men and women sweat it out in the motherland but I wouldn't mind seeing some other countries getting involved every now and then. If worse comes to worse I suppose I could always fly back for a couple of days and sleep on some of those empty seats that were soo hard to book this time last year hey?!? (Bitter?!?...just a little bit!!!)....How many millions did they spend on this this again?!?

Anyway back to reality, where I'm happy to announce that I have finally eaten my beloved rice and peas and jerk chicken...(yes you read it correctly!!!) Thanks to some good cooking skills and begging and pleading, normal service has been resumed and I can now live happily ever after (or at least until eat some more again....it was so so good!)

Next up on my good luck trail I managed to receive a free Bone, Thugs and Harmony ticket for September in Sydney....score!!! Going to church must work because the lord is looking after me in more ways than one....I'm praying for a lottery win next week...watch this space!!!

I also started a new job working in a bar where on my second shift I was getting hit on by ladies old enough to remember Elvis Presley's baby pictures (creepy!) Ah well, I can't discriminate as long as long as they are showing me love in the form of money and gifts.

On Saturday I got to see the mother of my children in the flesh....MYA. As always I was running on black people time so I only got to see half of her performance but truth be told I wasn't really there to here her sing if you know what I mean. Still being honest, I've never followed a lot of her work in the past but this woman is gorgeous...she has definitely gained another twitter follower/stalker!!!

Sunday was rather lacklustre compared to the previous one with the highlight as always being my attendance in church. This time I managed to make it through the whole service without a hint of snoring but I did manage to annoy another person in church by not putting in enough money in the offering...when did church become a business?!? Be warned people...don't come to church unless you got bank card and a stack of 50's with you. Praising Jesus comes with a price!!!

My last words is a common phrase that I often live by which is "Better late than never". During the past 8 months I've noticed whilst travelling around that peoples opinions seem to differ especially with big life decisions ie buying a house, marriage, children, travelling etc but I now reckon that as long as you get the opportunity to do something that your eager to do in life it doesn't matter what age you are as it's nothing but a number anyway. So with that being said I'm just gonna take it easy for the next 25 years and probably end up being the oldest guy in your Facebook friends list to marry a 21 year old Thai bride, discover she's a man, elope to Africa and adopt 8 kids....sounds about right to me!!!

Peace out

Forde Esq. aka Pastor Forde aka Tim Tim Chocolate Man aka The Black Man In Australia (1 of 5 anyway!)

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 3

After getting off to the worst possible start to the weekend things could only get better (cue "The only way is up" music from TOWIE in the background). After realising I'm no domestic house husband my bedsheets now look like a ku klux klan member has been in a fight with Mr. Hanky the xmas out of South Park. To make matters worse my lucky boxers have now been ruined as well...two words...not happy!!!

The next part of my day consisted of me researching caribbean takeout venues. The nearest one I managed to find was in Perth which is approximately a 5 hour plane ride away so looks like I'm stuck with another week of Maccas, Hungry Jacks and Dominoes on "Cheap Tuesdays" until I learn how to cook or I find someone to cook for me (hint,hint!)

In order to soothe my pain and suffering I decided to stock up on my weekly supply of custard creams (best biscuits in the world hands down!) but was forced to settle for a pack of "nice biscuits". Talk about a kick in the teeth!!! Can this day get any worse?!?

On to the weekend where I spent the majority of my time at work getting abused whilst refereeing football matches where australians attempt to play the game the english try so desperately to succeed in...either way both nations have no chance of winning any silverware if this showcase of talent has anything to go by.

Saturday night was definitely one to remember for various reasons. Could you believe it....a dancehall/reggae rave in Sydney?!? I encountered my first interaction with a group of "bogan" (chav's) whose first words to me where "where the n*ggas"?!? From there on in I knew it would be an eventful night. Thinking back to my school days I always thought having my measles vaccination was the most painful thing I had been through until I had to watch these aussies try and dance to dancehall music. My eyes was not prepared for the atrocities that took place before them. Obviously I had educate them in true "Forde Esq" fashion pulling "boggles" and "dutty wines" out of thin air much to the appreciation of the crowd ;) "Couples" or men and women looking to lucky were "grinding" / dancing with each other as if they were having seizures or listening to Justin Bieber music either way they sure as hell wasn't listening to the same music as me.

Haven't they heard of youtube over here?!? Dear oh dear!!

Shortly after watching this massacre on the dancefloor the cavalry had arrived in the shape of 4 black guys who were late as ever running on typical black people time restoring unity and normality to such as joyous event therefore making "us" "5 deep in this b*tch"...Yeah Buddy!!!

Part 2 of the transformation over to Pastor Forde led me say goodbye to Miss July (sob sob). Her last words to me were "Hey I forgot to say you remind me of Tinie Tempah you know"....Ironically the sight of her feet nearly made me "Passout" so maybe it was blessing in disguise. Remember Ladies "cleanliness is next to godliness" so step you feet game up before walking out the house with your feet looking all ashy with toenails looking like doritos corn chips between your toes...you have been warned!! Amen!!!

I also got to witness some people being baptised which was cool but what was really the spectacle of the night for me was seeing two black people being dunked in the holy h20 without armbands or flotation devices because we all know black people can't swim right?!? (apart from eric the eel of course)

After the plunges in the pool I couldn't really tell you what happened after that as I nodded off and was kindly awoken by the sound of my own snoring and some sly digs in the ribs from the people sitting around me. Put it this way, if looks could kill I would be attending my own funeral rather than a worship service!!!

Also before slipping into the land of nod I realised that wearing your traditional "Sunday Best" must be a thing of the past. Remember when your mum would make you wear those trousers that were too big for you and made you look like MC Hammer with that shirt that had a few buttons missing and your dad's tie (NO...just me then huh?!?) well now that look has died out with the jheri curl as the youth of today are strolling around the lords hourse in snapbacks, hoodies, basketball jerseys and skinny jeans. I've heard of a ghetto gospel but jeez!

Anywho, now I'm a man of the lord now (for all of two weeks now) I suppose I should leave on a positive note. Something my uncle once told me and I still remember it to this day. "You only get out what you put in" in life. So if you apply this phrase to any given circumstance positive results will take place in due time. On that note I'm out. Till next time, same black man...same non black country!!!

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter Two

This week has been an interesting one as always....Apparently I have more siblings than the Jackson 5 as I've been repeatedly referred to as "Brother" everytime I'm spoken to at work. I suppose I've been called a lot worse in my time so I can't complain. Anyways, going about my business in the mean streets of Sydney I managed to find some common ground with a fellow ethnic minority. My new found found friend who I shall refer to as "milk choc ice" claims to be "black on the inside" and tanned on the outside.....seeing as he was an albino asian man I beg to differ. This encounter left me highly amused and confused at the same time time...something I haven't experienced since I first discovered white women with ass. The conversation got worse as I was told to "Stay Black" my brother and to "Take It Easy". "Stay Black"?!?!?!?.....As if I can turn a different shade each day of the week? He must think all black people are really "coloured".....Don't get me started on that conversation....smh!!!

Moving swiftly on to "comparisons corner" where I have been referred to as so many high profile celebrities that include Barack Obama (Drunk tuk tuk driver in Thailand), Usher (Delirious and slightly hot scottish girls in vietnam) and now Akon (cue my cousin Jacob laughing in hysterics lol) by a young girl who was barely out of her training bra yet she knows all of the lyrics to "Smack That"........God help her!!!

Speaking of the lord, I have now found the most happening place in the city....(drum roll please...suspense builds)....CHURCH!!! Girls flocking everywhere....big mamas, short sisters, skin minnies...you name it...they got it!!! The best thing about it is that they are all "good girls" and I'm not talking about the "good girls" you meet on a night out who have ever been caught with their pants down, i'm talking about good girls who don't drink alcohol, don't smoke and are in bed by 9.00pm (preferably mine!)....the words "wifey material" springs to mind. Casually "pimpin' by the pulpit" I met the future Mrs Forde....of July 2012 where we discussed where i'm from, my accent and when I found Jesus. I told her I've been dodging his presence for a while but he hasn't given up the search! Stay tuned for more tales of the transformation of "Clint The Pimp" to "Pastor Forde" (Got a nice ring to it).

As bad as it sounds I'm starting to miss my soap operas from the UK. The likes of Hollyoaks and Eastenders have now been replaced by old re-runs of Desperate Housewives (yawn) and "The Shire" (Australia's version of TOWIE). It seems where entertainment is concerned Sydney have a different formula to the rest of the world. On my way to window gazing at all the extorniate overpriced clothes through "World Square Shopping Centre" I stumbled across a group of guys in their late 30's "busking for rent" as they put it. Now I don't know about you but I don't think begging for money with a fresh pair of vans on, apple macs and thousands of dollars worth of studio equipment is really going to pull on the heart strings of the australian public....I could be wrong?!? 

Anyways, I'll leave you with this thought...as you tuck into your Sunday dinners with all the trimmings I hope you appreciate all the things that important people in your life do for you because believe me you "don't know what you have until it's gone". With that being said, hand on heart I can honestly say......I miss you Island Spice Caribbean Cuisine Takeaway....Come visit me soon......and bring food!!! xoxoxo

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter One

Just over 5 months into my Australian "adventure" and i've decided to write a blog (kinda).....purely out of boredom and entertainment....here goes nothing.

Today marks another rare day that I held a conversation with a black guy who was born in Jamaica with an Australian accent....go figure!!! That now brings the count to........7!!! Just enough to share a KFC bucket meal (you know how black people LOVE them some chicken right.....;). Speaking of chicken...where the JERK chicken at?!? Probably at my mum's house getting prepared ready for dinner **slight Homer Simpson dribble of saliva**. Did I really think this whole "travelling" thing through?!?

In the day an age of ipad's, facebook and all types of innovative stuff you would of thought someone would have started up a caribbean shop around here. There's only soo much kangaroo meat a brother can eat!!! Levi Roots or any black woman who owns an apron....if you're reading this....holla at me....Feed a brother!!!

Anyways back to today's events, in addition to this scientific discovery of having two black people in Sydney at the same time I've also realised that i'm starting to talk like "em"....(Australian's like to shorten words....lazy mofo's). The words "heaps" "no worries" and "howsitgoin" otherwise known in English as "How are you doing?" has started to slip it's way into my vocabulary leading to me to question...."Can the real Clinton Forde please stand up".

**Flashback**

I recall being out in the "ivy bar" about a week or so ago speaking to a "sheila" and instead of approaching her in a "stereotypical" young black british "wannabe gangster" guy way of pulling a girl by the arm and saying something along the lines of "what you sayin sweetness" or "w'agwan babes" I tried to style it out and said "G'day love, you avin' a good evo" (evo meaning evening in aussie slang)........(I know what you're thinking right....WASTEGUY...I know....smh!!!). Obviously I must of thought I was Crocodile Dundee or something because this girl was a monster who looked like she escaped from the outback but "hey" her body was decent....too bad about the face that was attached to it......(good from afar but far from good!)

To finalise this day off of confusion and transformation I leave you with this message....Everyday that you see out from start to finish you become a day closer to your final day on this earth so why not live life to the fullest and carry no regrets (within reason!!!).

Peace and love

Take care

Forde Esq.