Black Man In Australia - Chapter 21

So summertime is finally here...and how do I know that you ask?!? Because if I was curled up naked in a ball under a xmas tree I wouldn't begrudge anybody who thought I looked like a massive lump of coal waiting to be given to that naughty child who didn't do his homework on time "Bah Humbug!" Speaking of Xmas...not long to go now until the most overrated festive day of the year is upon us and for the second year in a row I will spend it away from family and friends from back home but with that brings a new sense of adventure and culture on how things are done in Ozstralia! It seems strange seeing tinsel and fake snow while melting in 40 degree weather. So back to these weeks events which saw me make a legitimate token black guy cameo appearance in a music video based out in Mona vale. After spending the best part of 2 hours on public transport getting chatted up by a granny with no teeth whilst having my ear abused by chubby 10 pack liquor swirling gentleman by the name of "Eazy B" sitting next to me blasting gangster music with a paper bag covered beer in his hand I finally made it to the destination safe and somewhat sound. Kindly greeted to shots of Patron and Corona's I was repeatedly  reminded how I resembled every black musician / actor known to man including Dizzee Rascal, Tinie Tempah and James Earl Jones?!? Any...way...all in all I would have to say that the video was a success with my role as the mysterious handsome stranger in the corner eyeing up all the talent being pulled off brilliantly if I do say so myself. 

So on comes Saturday and after getting caught out in the sun for way too long over the weekend I now look a spitting image of one those Golliwogg dolls...remember them?!? After visiting a barrage of local festivals over the past few weeks it made a nice change to attend an event purely designed for musical entertainment with legal girls over the age of 18 years of age....in other words...thank god for "HARBOURLIFE". So the deal was to volunteer for 5 hours of my precious time in return to gain free admission into the occasion....Easier said than done...believe me! 3 hours later after handing out wristbands and flyers to festival goers to intoxicated to remember their own name I was finally let loose into the party to dance away in the base pumping playpen.....Hallelujah! Obviously I had a lot of raving to catch up with so I wasted little time in getting down with my bad self on the main stage whilst by standers looked on at me pulling more shapes than a box of lego blocks....yeah you heard me!

Well if you know me well enough you know that I'm not that much of risk taker on the whole but for some reason the gambling side of me got the better of me and I found myself at the casino placing bets on football scores looking to earn some cash for the crack. In the end my wallet "looked like a bible" with the amount of paper I had received from hard earned winning....ching ching!!!

So onto Sunday and after a week full of work, gambling and partying I felt that it should surely make sense to cleanse my soul in the house of the lord. So I'm sitting in the back row due to being late of course (Standard!) trying to get to grips with what the preacher man at the front is trying to say whilst this poor old aboriginal lady is doing her best to convince me to take notice of pictures of her grandkids which evidently looked nothing like her. I hope for her sake that her darling son has picked up the right set of kids at the hospital and not the children of Hugh Jackman because those babies looked as white as toothpaste!

 

So before my wrists cramp up (from writing of course!) I'll leave you guys with the message delivered to me ever so gracefully from the homeless man underneath central station tunnel. "You don't ask you don't get" which in a lot of ways carries a valid point. In life we often find ourselves to shy to ask for something we truly want but if you think about it, whats the worst a person can say?!? If the reply is simply "No" I'm sure you'll live to see another day so why not seize every opportunity that passes your way in the hope of reaching your destiny and achieving your goals in life for a better and more prosperous future.

Until next time folks

Forde Esq

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 20

With nothing really serious to report apart from paying more bills than Destiny's Child I'm left with a bank account emptier I have nothing much more to offer you apart from these words that describe my current situation in life and in travel! So where do I start....WOMEN!

Where are all the ladies at?!? I'll tell you...not here...I'm sure everyone HOT girl in Sydney under the age of 30 is either married or at least in engaged with plans to. Being over the otherside of the world from friends and family with social media being the only method of communication makes you realise how much everyone is growing up so fast and making life changing choices i.e. marriage, buying property and starting families....time to grow up you say?!? Nah!....There's always next week for that!

 

Once again my most recent episode on FBI radio proved to be a memorable one as I ended up running around the station like a headless chicken taking various calls and requests from listeners wanting to hear the guy with the sexy british accent! (Not my words!)

 

So Tuesday actually proved that I'm not the only black man in Australia (Say What!) when I got the chance to meet Rnb Australian star Timomatic in the flesh whilst at work at Topman. Amongst taking pictures with fans and shoppers I managed to get a quick conversation with him and advise him on what should be next to grace his wardrobe....I wonder if he'll give me a shout out in his next video?!?

Onto the next festival which was evidently placed in Kings Cross. Usually known for it's strip clubs and prostitutes the festival itself was a bit of a let down to say the least. Resembling an old biddy's home, I quickly made an escape for the exit after witnessing a return of a drag queen that made Dame Edna look like a supermodel....I'm sure you get the picture!

Church news brought the best and worst out of me. Where I gave very generously to the church collection plate this week I found myself chuckling under my breath at the sight of this black woman getting baptised in holy water. With two helpers assisting her in the process I seemed to find it hilarious that she chose to wear rubber arm bands in a pool that a midget with no feet would have no problem swimming in....Obviously she wasn't taking any chances!

 

So that's about it for this week, nothing really new to report but as always I like to end my blog's on a good note so I shall recommend to you all and myself especially to keep progressing with your goals and ambitions in life. A step in the right direction is always a good one no matter how long it may take to get there.

 

Until next time folks

 

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 19

So imma start this week on a positive which I dedicate to the well travelled scouser I met whilst at work at Topman. During our discussion of travel and life experiences he left me with the words "Where there's a will there's a way" which fondly describe my avid plans to fly to America and live there in the forseeable future. Obviously he has faith and so do I after that comment but who knows what the future may hold.

So this week again doesn't have much to be revealed apart from the fact that I'm another week closer to ending my Australian adventure. The highlights for me as always was the weekend where again I took the radio airwaves of FBI radio to help put together another classic segment of musical entertainment. Later on that night to housemates and I ventured into the money infused realms of The Star casino to catch up on some much needed football to only be let down by results not going our way and being persuaded to part with our hard earned cash courtesy of the slot machines.....BIG thumbs down!!! 

With the festival season in Sydney being well and truly up and running on Sunday I found myself in attendance of Glebe street festival....If you ask me, this was more a street fayre rather than a "Festival" as not much music was on display but plenty of food was on offer to feed the 5000. After bumping into the same Trinidadian cook at the past couple of festivals I was finally treated to some delicious caribbean cuisine courtesy of Jamaican Jerk Sauce...Thank you Jesus! These guys were a god send to my tastebuds even if they were Jamaican!

Speaking of Jesus, Church as always brought it's fair share of laughs through a young chap who definitely thought he was auditioning for X Factor whilst praising the lord. Harmonising in the background this vocalist did his best to ensure that the congregation heard what he had to offer...what a wally! The message for the night was a good one I'm sure but I was too busy trying to dodge the couple in front of me providing their public display of affection that would send nun's heartbeats racing.

Also, over the weekend I managed to collect my free singlets delivered to me courtesy of fashion company "Love Of Eos" for my blogging efforts on their website. Their generousity only puts further thoughts into my mind to if I should take this writing thing more seriously, if not the freebies / giveaways that companies are willing to offer in exchange for your thoughts but also hard cash that hopefully follows it.
Not a bad gig if you ask me?!?

This week marks the milestone in my travelling adventure as on Monday 19th November 2012 I had officially been away from home for an entire year. Through my explorations through Europe, Asia and of course Australia I've been lucky enough to meet some great characters that I can consider friends and hopefully can stay in contact with in the future. With this I provide you the statement that says that everybody in your life is a blessing and serves their purpose no matter how big or small their role might be. Embrace them for who they are and what they have to offer and they often are brought into your life for a reason.

Until next time folks

Forde Esq

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 18

So what new exciting stories have I got to tell you...NOTHING. It feels like I've been living under a rock for the past 7 days waiting to get a glimpse of sunlight. I apologise if I don't entertain you with the usual drivel that keeps you amused for next 5 minutes....I just ain't got the time or the energy. Anyways...enough of the bellyaching and back to the story...Soooo....I'm caught between a rock and hard place trying to figure out where life's journey will take me next...after all I got grow up someday?!? With that being said I just hit a major milestone in my Australian checklist department after randomly bumping into a woman called "Sheila". After hearing the term banded around loosely ever since touching down in Oz it was a great pleasure to meet one of the women who's name represents the entire female race. 
So to save me write an essay load of I've decided this week to break down the highlights into simple bullet points to make this episode a lot less time consuming for yours and my entertainment.

• Bedtime made easy - My new bed has finally arrived courtesy of my new housemates retrieval efforts. After months of sleeping on a blow up mattress...no more will wake up in the morning in an "L" shaped position with a foot pump as a pillow.
• Melbourne Cup - So apparently this is the race that stops a nation....literally!!!  People down in Melbourne take the day off and spend millions of dollars to bet on one race whilst getting absolutely plastered and making a complete tit of themselves...sounds familiar?!? **Cough Cough**...Grand National
• November has arrived or shall I say "Movember" has arrived and already I'm getting mocked for the lack of hair that's suppose to keep my upper lip warm. In my defence I've never been much of werewolf when it comes to facial hair so the best I have to offer is the few strands of bumfluff that hangs off the end of my chin for dear life for the next 30 days
• Whilst at work I took another dive into the world of women's monthly cycle. Whilst innocently sitting my my lunch break, co women workers decided to discuss their time of month in a great attempt make my food re appear in an unexpected fashion....where's the emergency exit when you need it?!?
• Praise The Forde?!? So after a week of sin as I always I decide to "cleanse my soul" and head on to church but this time I managed to get roped into a pray group full of people begging for real life issues in their life i.e. Sickness, Visa approval, Help with marriage....I'm sure you don't need a polaroid to get the picture! So who do they ask to lead the circle in pray....yeah me...what do I know....so I give me best "freestyle" to the man upstairs about helping these guys next to me and by the end of it these people are loving me and rejoicing as if I healed the world....Praise the who now....PRAISE THE FORDE!!!

So Forde's final thought travels along the lines of persistance. After discovering on a nightout on the town that if a group of guys in a bar pesters a girl enough times to "get your tit's out for the lads" she actually might do it then there's no ceiling to what you can achieve...after all as the saying goes..."You don't ask you don't get"....I'll leave it at that shall I?!?

 

Until next time people....take care and take control of your life before something or someone else does!!!

 

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 17

So reporting live from sun shy Sydney where Week 38 has brought me heartache and emotion than a Jerry Springer paternity test...Is it mine?!? Let me cast my mind back to last Friday where I embarked on my first trip to Sydney's premier nightclub attraction "The Marquee". Now usually I love a woman dressed up in a nurses uniform, intoxicated in alcohol with chocolate around her lips but on this Halloween themed occasion I really didn't seem to have the same affect on me. With the Rnb room unsurprisingly out of action I was forced to suffer in a heavy house and trance induced room with party people mosh pitting and causing havoc......out of my depth?!? I was drowning to say the least!!! Desperate to make the night somewhat salvageable I ended up shaking a leg with a peculiar looking guy dressed in a Super Mario costume who assigned himself with any chicks he could find. In the end, it was safe to say that it was definitely "Game Over" for the mini Italian Stallion once Mary-Kate and Ashley had sobered up to reality and discovered his spaghetti and meatballs wasn't what they ordered.....Ciao for now!!!

So what did Thursday bring....a small taste of summer...that's what. Of course I wouldn't be much of host without taking my boy Nilton to Bondi beach where sand worshippers got to not only fry under god's daily light bulb but was also treated to some odd sculptures on a cliff that they labelled as "Art"...apparently?!? Such pieces such as plastic carefully positioned cutlery alongside balloon shaped pets are the picasso painting of New South Wales according local exhibitionists....yay or cray...you be the judge?!? I know what I'm thinking!!! So after witnessing the "monsterpieces" by the sea it was time to visit Sydney's tourist hot spot at Circular Quay to take in the breath taking sights of the Sydney Opera house and the Harbour Bridge for the very first time.....this week!!! Did anyone request a mail order bride?!? Now I know love should have no barriers but when everyone shops at the same cupid boutique eyebrows shall be raised. It seems middle aged men and asian chicks barely out of their pampers are definitely in fashion this summer in the city streets of Sydney if this week is anything to go by. I've always said that if I haven't settled down by the tender age of 40 I would place my hand in the ladyboy lucky dip of Thailand with in the hope of finding Mrs. Forde with all genitals placed where they should be....let's hope it doesn't come down to this shall we?!?

So Saturday's day off from work was spent first of all venturing into the dark realms of Glebe's market where old tat was getting haggled over....reminds me of University clubbing days spent in Coventry...ahh those were the days....From there I joined up with my housemates and friends at the annual Surry Hills Festival where musicians and food lovers united over a muddy field to raise money for the local neighbourhood. Upon this odd occasion I discovered a west indian food stall that ended up being more of a let down than watching "Taken 2"....oh yeah by the way...that film sucks and Liam Neeson is the new Steven Seagall = #PoorActing.com/TheyBothSuckBalls. I can only describe the let down in my stomach once I found out that my Trinidad friend only had three dishes on the menu and none of them involved Rice, Peas or the infamous Jerk Chicken....This guy needs to check his passport because he can't be from the same Caribbean that I'm from!

This weeks yawnfest in Church was directed by a sexy russian in a business suit who's rant led me to the land of nod faster than Usain Bolt's bedroom activities......I do enjoy it...honest?!? 50 winks later I met up with an high school friend and Sydney socialite Rob Cole who reminisced on past school tales and current life dramas....boy can this guy tell it how it is. During the gossipfest we was joined by a tall legged brunette who's integrity I shall question until immensly. After somehow introducing myself as a black slave from Namibia the conversation found itself quizzing the friendly giants racial acceptance with her response claiming that "I can't be racist....my friend slept with a black bloke last night"......Don't all shake your head at once folks....I feel your pain!!!

So after discovering that people actually take notice of my advice I suppose I should drop another bit of knowledge for all 2 of y'all reading my blog. This week I shall be asking you all to believe in yourselves even if nobody else does. People who come across as confident and cocky already know the deal that no one else will show faith in you unless you show faith in yourself. How else will someone "have your back" if you act spineless through life's trial's and tribulation's. With that being said I believe it's times for me to stop talking and tuck into this succulent slice of Banana bread that has been sat in front of me for the past hour begging me to eat it....**Homer Simpson druel**.....Don't judge me...I'm only human!!!

Until next time folks

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 16

So this week marked the arrival of my good friend Nilton Brito all the way from the Angola bearing gifts and the same enthusiasm I had when I first arrived in the land down under. After touching down at 11pm on Friday where was the first place I decided to take him....Ivy bar of course!! Making his debut in the infamous poser palace he we blown away by the 4 floor party kingdom of Sydney whilst I was getting harrassed upon arrrival by middle aged aussie cougars looking to get their hands on some young fresh chocolate flavoured meat. Onto Day 2 where brother Brito was left to his own devices to sight see and explore  I was left with a rare day off from work that was spent assisting in the National Fire Fighters Games in Sydney. Fire services that represented countries all across the globe were chosen to compete against each other in events such as the bi-annual cook off challenge, billiards and speed dating......I now know why women love a man in uniform!!!

So after 5 weeks of living in the beautiful back streets of Glebe we finally celebrated with our house warming party. Based outside on the beautiful outstretched park area overlooking the city, friends and work colleagues gathered together and enjoyed each others company whilst party inspired music played in the background kicking off the night well for a strong finish. Once the food had arrived the crowd moved inside where more guests began to arrive and antics revealed peoples level of intoxication to one another....I'll leave it at that!

Onto church where I brought Nilton along with me for the ride to see what the fuss was all about and to be honest I'm glad I did as he can now vouch for my stories especially with this week's service. Participating within the culture experience this week, two contestants from China and Korea respectively were brought on stage to be quizzed on the differences between rice and sushi, asian fighting stances and their ability to "wax on wax off"...bit stereotypical don't you think?!? To make matters worse, they were both asked to perform a traditional middle eastern song...you know what that mean't right?!? Yes they danced to......."GANGNAM STYLE"......Oh my lord?!? This song is everywhere!!! Even was getting on down with the smooth moves Psy's long lost brother from another mother.
Back to serious matters where the key message this week was "Believe, Belong and Behave"....three words that go hand in hand and carry great meaning once completed in full. I'm sure everybody in the service would agree with me that this service was one of the more memorable messages that people will remember and can relate to apart from the middle aged asian lady resting her eyes two seats up from me...maybe she had a lot to pray about perhaps?!?

So this week I learn't how to be more patient with people especially with this guy next to me in the library shouting at his computer monitor over an episode of Pokemon....special kid! Often I'm known to get frustrated at people and their difference of opinion or characteristics when maybe I just need to accept that person for who they are and not for who I want them to be. If we was all the same way inclined the world would be a boring place to say the least which is why life is made more interesting by the people we meet and get to engage with. With that being said I'm about to go engage with this brother down the road who's promised me some of Jamaica's finest jerk chicken and rice for less than $20.00....oh yeah!!!

Until next time folks. Take care of yourself and each other

 

Forde Esq.

 

#PraiseTheForde

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 15

This week's addition will be shorter than midget's ding-a-ling (just assuming of course!) as my week mainly consisted of my catching up on over a week's worth of sleep.....talk about giving my pillow some head!!!

With my next travel budget heavily in mind before escaping the sunny shores of Sydney to pastures new, work was heavily on the horizon. Don't worry folks, my social life will be back with me shortly as Brother Brito will be touching down shortly from Angola to pimp slap me back to normality. In the meantime, the highlights of this week consisted of me attending my first A-league fixture whilst watching Sydney FC take on state rivals Newcastle Jets where I was presented with the opportunity to witness marquee Jets signing Emile Heskey take on the legendary italian stallion Alessandro Del Piero....Let's play ball!!! The game didn't disappoint the 35,000+ plus crowd that attended as we were given the privilege of seeing both star players score for each team with Del Piero's free kick definitely being the pick of the bunch....what a beauty!! Not only that, but we was also entertained to some live footy chants that I still remember to this day with word play such as:

"S-Y-D...N-E-Y...I am Sydney Till I Die, With A Knick Knack Paddy Whack, Give A Dog A Bone...Newcastle Can F' Off Home"

Charming...to say the least! Not words I wish to repeat at any NUFC match but catchy none the less. All in all I loved every minute of it with a finale that didn't exactly go in Sydney's favour but a great spectacle for the neutral supporter none the less.

Meanwhile at the blackcave we finally managed to unearth some fairly new furniture for the new place thanks to some handy work from house mate Marie. It was all looking a bit shady when we first moved in and the only thing we had was a TV and room full of suitcases but now the nest egg in Glebe is starting to look a lot like home....ahhhh!!!

So onto church where we there was a european celebration on the cards. On stage stood a member representing Sweden, France and Germany each asked to say something sexy in their native tongue..obviously the man from deutschland didn't stand a chance. Not only that but they was also asked to sing the national anthem which I suppose was a tough ask for the scandinavian representative who was asked to recite her rendition of Abba classic "Dancing Queen".....Tough break for Ulrika! Moving swiftly with the message of the day being quite simple "Approach each week with drive, power and conviction which left me thinking....what have I been doing all this time?!? While these guys were stating the obvious I was quietly left to conversatr with this middle aged filipino lady on how I would be a good match for her daughter...wait.....there's more....and how she needs a start a family sooner rather than later. Bearing in mind my potential wife to be was only the tender age of 18 I pointed out that my wife "Shaniqua" wouldn't be too pleased if I took her daughters hand in marriage (love you boo!)....Close but no cigar!!!

P.S. I'm not married!

So before leaving you I suppose I should give offer some words of wisdom that I've started to put into practice myself. When tackling a goal however big or small it is, a smart way to approach it is to break down the components of it and make bitesize targets making the overall objective less daunting than when you started off. In laymen's terms....start small and think BIG!!! This concept as always can be applied to any ambition you have in mind so don't be afraid to put it to use.

Until next time folks...stay safe, play safe and stay away from my safe!

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 14

So I won't try and hold you for too long. Basically, my week consisted of 3 things work, work and more work. After establishing that all women are crazy when it comes to clothes I now have to reconsider marrying a fashion model if this has anything to go by. Thursday marked the grand opening of Topshop in Sydney and with that brought chaos and mayhem from all over Australia. There was men and women camping outside since the 11pm the night before in order to get their hands on $100 gift cards and exclusive give away bags...how crazy are these people?!? Despite being warned by management that this would be the biggest event since Kylie Minogue becoming single again I don't think anybody was prepared for the madness that occured on 4th October....please tell me it gets easier right?!? 

So after battling my way through the past couple of months on public transport I decided to take a punt on getting a push bike to weave in and out of traffic in hope of cutting down my journey times and saving on costs....big mistake. Now, I've never really had much joy with bikes in the past so god knows why I didn't think through this great idea of mine more thoroughly as less than 24 hours into my cycling stint I arrived back at K-mart from where I purchased the 2 wheeled death trap with a broken handle bar and a heart pounding worse than a sumo wrestler walking on egg shells. Back to the bus you say...err yes please?!? 

After another gruelling day of staring at gorgeous women at Topshop I was given my first taste of airplay on local community radio station 2SER FM during their graveyard shift. I have to say despite the 2am start and 5am finish I actually loved every minute of it. Buzzing through the entire set the topic of the show was based around love.....I think I needed more than 3 hours to be honest with you from the stories I have let me tell you! Overall, it won't be the last time you'll be hearing me on australian airwaves and fingers crossed there will be a lot more opportunities to come...stay tuned!

Sunday saw my nostalgic return to church where I was greeted by a stand in american pastor...boy those yanks are over excited when it comes to god I'll tell ya. Running late as ever I managed to squeeze into a seat in the back row and catch the back end of the pastor's message this week which was based around approaching the lord with confidence when asking for forgiveness...nice to know he's there waiting for me I suppose. Unfortunately I didn't bump into any weirdo's this week which is a bit of a shame....there's always next week I guess.

After delightful weekend of near death experiences, ogling women and work firmly lodged in between there somewhere, Monday couldn't of came any sooner and I went in search of some Z list celebrities down south in Cronulla. After having the displeasure of watching flop tv series "The Shire" I decided to investigate further to see if these type of reality show personalities actually exist. After searching high and low at the beach, northies and the shopping mall I gave up hope on seeing these plastic fantastic superstars....time spent in Crapnulla....65 minutes.....See "Yewww" later!!!

So onto this week's message which I've heavily plagerised from an ex co worker of mine called Mark (I'm sure he won't mind!). To some it up in three word....MAKE IT HAPPEN....If you have a dream that you haven't fulfilled yet and something inside is holding you back, take care of that set back and MAKE IT HAPPEN.....why would you live a live full of regret and uncertainty which will then eat away at you day after day, week after week, year after year (you get the picture right?!?).....MAKE IT HAPPEN people...sooner rather later else that opportunity that's been staring you dead in the face may not be there when you need it most.

Until next time folks. Good bye and god bless

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 13

In the words of my dear mother, "Your a busy little bee aren't you son" of course I couldn't let her down. After a successful previous week I had do a lot to top it off and you know what...I gave it a bloody good go. Let's start off with Friday shall we and after volunteering on local radio station 2SER FM I got approached by one of the team members to cover a graveyard shift this weekend which I gracefully accepted. For those of whom that do not know what I mean by a "graveyard shift" it simply means that when you lot are partying hard to the early hours of the morning I'll be live on radio pushing buttons, playing music and doing what I love...everyone's a winner. So with the rest of the afternoon to spare I decided to take a trip to the infamous "Blue Mountains" out in Katoomba. 2 hours later on a train filled with screaming babies, jumped up school kids and old aged moany pensioners with hearing difficulties I finally made it to my destination safe, sound and raring to explore. For those with a spare day or two in Sydney I highly recommend taking time out to walk around the place and take in the scenic views of three sisters whilst embarking on the opportunity to take a hike within the national park...truly breathtaking!!!

So onto Saturday and due to the long bank holiday weekend my working Sunday turned into a working Saturday as I was called into action to referee another eventful football tournament at work. Stuffing my face full of pizza and soft drinks in between matches marked another day of great banter and borderline abuse from players, managers and their wannabe WAG's....fun times!!! In order to let off some steam I took a last minute trip into the city to again make a monumental return to Ivy Bar where this time round I managed to get in for free through contacts that shall not be revealed (remember it's all about who you know people?!?). Now as I remember it, this place was full of more snobs than the british royal family so I was intent on ruffling a few feathers to bring these jockey's off their high horse....challenge accepted!!! After surrounding myself with F class wannabe showbiz celebrities, enough was enough and I felt it was time to exit the prententious pit of illusion and return home to save myself for the long weekend ahead.

With no church service on Sunday I was left to entertain myself at this years Parklife festival where I volunteered for youth charity organisation "Heaps Decent". Frying like "fresh shrimps on the barbie" in the hot Sydney sun I got to listen to some of the UK's best urban acts which included Wiley, Skepta, Plan B and Labrinth while other more commercial and underground acts such as Nero and DJ Fresh also kept the crowd hyped and engaged. After partying on till the break of dawn (literally!) for 10 hours solid I was then led to believe that Kings Cross was where the party was at and boy who were they wrong. Although most venues were overcrowded with tired and rundown parklife attendees who had seen better days it's seemed that the party loving vibe had been left behind on the fields so on that note I decided to retire early to my pit in order to make the most of my bank holiday Monday...(see how sensible I am?!?).

So on comes Monday morning and after being on my feet all day Sunday my ankles feel like they've been hit by 10 sledgehammers by Mr. T. In the back of my mind my bed was begging me to stay and keep it company but I knew I had to make the most of the day especially with a busy working week ahead so I decided to take a trip down to Manly to see what the northern beaches had to offer me. In order to get there most people (me included) take the iconic Manly ferry starting off at Circular Quay and arriving promptly at Manly Wharf all under 30 minutes. Of course being a bank holiday everybody is out in force looking to make the most of the day so with that brought high volumes of beach traffic and copious amounts of shoppers full of tourists looking to splash the cash and then cry about it in the morning. Amongst the madness was annual Manly Arts Festival which was impressive to say the least. Filled with brass bands, choirs and musicians the festival had a huge amass turnout similar to when fans come to see me play (yeah it was that good....har-dee-ha ha ha!). As always I had my weekly random imbocile approachand make conversation with me which I have no problem with up until they get to that touchy subject that makes you cringe and you feel the need to just "walk away"....you know what I'm talking about?!? This time I had been conversating with a guy from Gold Coast discussing his time spent travelling and revealing things he had seen and experienced and whilst we were swapping stories he decided to try and tell me about his "hardships" of being a gay guy living in Sydney.....STOP The Record........HELLO?!? I'm a BLACK guy living in Sydney...ding ding ding...I think we have a winner...and it wasn't the drama queenslander either!!!

Well once again peeps it's that time again when I wrap things up, write somthing mature and meaningful and then go back to acting foolish and uncaring...sound familiar?!?. If I've mentioned this somewhere before I apologise but for me the message that sticks out clearly is to not judge a book by it's cover. This here is a lesson that I seem to be educating a lot of people over in aussieland that's for sure and the class size keeps on growing. After initially engaging eye contact with people apparently I come across as a hard faced gangster who maybe suspect to robbing you off your posessions if you look at me the wrong way.....stereotype maybe?!? Often or not when people get to know to me they realise I not actually that bad of a person (or so I've been told!). I cast my mind back to earlier this year when I was out partying in Brisbane and I met a young guy who looked like he was a few apples short of a cider but when I got to know him he came across as a very intelligent guy who was a small business owner and was currently studying a masters degree all at the tender age of 23 which most definitely puts the saying clearly into perspective...good on him I say!!! Whatever you do next folks when you meet someone new, please take the time out to get to know them properly because you never know what values they may bring to the table when you need them most.

Until next time, take care of yourself and each other

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 12

Well wasn't this week a turn up for the books?!? Luck has finally seemed to swung my way with a new job, new place and plenty of memorable experiences to overshadow a hellish previous week.
To kick off the weekend we finally got the all clear to move into the new property after a nightmare 3 months in the undesirable end of Surry Hills. Remember I said I was looking for a place to live in last week's blog....NO?!?...It's alright...take a look back...don't worry...I'll wait...(counting fried chickens)....found it?!?....GOOD! Well now I can be found in the welcoming streets of Glebe overlooking the Anzac Bridge and the City...what a touch!

As always, moving house is never an easy task and my previous landlord didn't exactly helps matters after re-inspecting my cleaning standards and therefore docking $50 off my bond....don't mess with my money man..not impressed! To take the edge off the day, me and new housemate Lee decided to take a visit to the legendary "Star" Casino where punters were decked out in their Sunday best on a busy Saturday afternoon. The "mini vegas" seemed like a sanctuary too many of these patrons who were firmly rooted to their tables and pokies in desperation for that final payout. Lucky for us we knew when to say "enough was enough" and left the casino with double our money...result!

So onto Saturday night and as always I was attempting to paint the town red....or at least some sort of colour to celebrate my turn of good fortune. After being unable to enter a club due to my "lack of collar".....(I hate these type of venues by the way!) I was left to make my return to "Booty Bar" and folks it certainly lived up to it's name I'll tell ya! The music was a tad outdated for me but the scenes were a joy to behold as the women looked like they were auditioning for a career on the "pole" with clear heels and boob tubes in full attendance. I also noticed that the best way to gain a females attention is to stand in front of a mirror as Sydney women must love the look of themselves more than we do as I was constantly faced with pouting ladies and girls flicking their hair throughout the duration of night...nothing I'm not use to of course! ;)

Church this Sunday was more off a wake up call then ever before with the Pastor referring to "Changing Your Heart" to ensure you live a better life and have a better chance to get to the pearly gates......I guess I should start now before it's too late! With that being said my prays must have of been answered because my week has been blessed ever since....don't knock it until you try it people....two thumbs up God. Scouring the room during this time of worship I witnessed the masses mumbling to themselves, begging for forgiveness and good fortune. I only hope they get the same amount of love shown to them as there has to me.

So the start of the week had a lot to live upto and so far so good with me gaining additional work coaching football in Lough Park in Double Bay aka Wysteria Lane. Throughout these glorious summer mornings I've been treated to good weather and Banana bread on tap....it's a hard life! Hot soccer mum's dropping their kids off checking out the "newbie" coach in action i.e. "ME" made me feel right at home as I settled in gracefully into the team full of overseas instructors. One comment that stuck out like a sore thumb was when I was introduced by the head coach to the kids as "Coach Clinton" and one of the kids shouted out "that's the black one".....10 points for observation son...then another replied "he looks like Seal".....grrr...another name added to the lookalike list....how many is that now?!?

Breaktime......So it's time for lunch and I decide to venture into Bondi Junction to waste some time before my next shift and I decide to stroll into a shop called "Hot Dollar" to pick up some items for the house. Little do I know when I'm browsing the shelfs I'm getting followed around the shop by an asian guy that made me think back to the Liquor store scene out of the film 'Menace To Society"....we all know what happened there right?!? Lucky for him I left my "strap" at home so in the end I just smiled and vacated the premises with my dignity intact.

"Menace To Society"....Clinton = "O-Dog" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8lRjXf2IK0

From there came the ever so rewarding task of refereeing 5-a-side league football matches at my other job where I was treated to the sight of womens football....wait....it gets better!!! Although they don't take it as serious as men do they have enjoy much more much banter than the fellas with one remark that had me in stitches during the game from the moment I heard it. When complimenting a player on their heading ability by saying "Good head" she instantly replied with "that's what all the men say" and smiled and gave me a cheeky wink.....love it!

Tuesday saw the return of old school hip hop legends Bone, Thugs and Harmony at the Metro Theatre and it felt like I was back in a "Coffee" shop in Amsterdam. Obviously the no smoking rule inside a public venue rule doesn't apply to a Bones Thugs concert as the auditorium was filled with sweet smelling haze that had everybody mellowed out and hungry...I wonder what that could be?!? Whatever it was I'm sure it had an effect on Krayzie Bone's vision as his eye were lazier than a fat person with a butt scratcher. Not to mention Wish Bone's choice of women that he brought onto the stage during their Club B.O.N.E dance off wasn't exactly the best pick of the bunch out of the crowd (apart from you Cinta of course Lol!).

So in all I'd say that I'm definitely back on the road to happiness with "Pain and Anger" in the rearview mirror and "Joy" firmly insight. Opportunities are presenting themself to me left, right and centre and I'm actually enjoying myself in the process...it's the way it's suppose to be I guess?!? As always I'll leave on a good note with the message to all that care to listen being "Don't Sell Yourself Short". In life, the things that you tend to be at good at are the things that your most likely to enjoy so why not use them to your advantage and maximise your opportunity. Whatever your gift or passion is ladies and gentleman...make use of it and don't let it go to waste.

As always I have to depart (I know, I know.....I'll be back like Arnie don't worry!) so be good and stay out of trouble.

Until next time

Take care

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 11

As another "eventful" week passes by in Sydney Australia I often quote to myself that famous Danny Glover line "I'm getting to old for this sh*t". My week got off to a bad start after learning the shocking news that someone back home used my identity to get themselves out of trouble, things from there got from bad to worse as I came home from work on Friday to find no electricity in my room whatsoever. Now I can really say that I'm living the life of a rap star in my "One Room Shack"...words taken from popular hip hop classic "Juicy" by Biggie Smalls. To add further insult to injury the soonest time the landlord could tend to the problem was within 2 hours and with me just buying a week's worth of refridgerated food it meant that I had a couple of hours spare to consume a fridge load of groceries to ensure it doesn't go to waste (not as easy as you think!). With this being said it gave me the chance to meet and greet my fellow housemates which turned out to be quite a blessing in disguise and a cultural lesson at the same time. Little did I know that I had a black housemate living next to me the whole time (how did he get here?!?) amongst the French, German and Swedish contingent sharing this "ghost" house of doom.

Earlier that day I got the chance to meet American rapper "Jeru The Damaja". Truth be told, before I met him I didn't know who he was or what material he had previously released but with the audience he had gathered to see him and the amount of hype he had surrounding his arrival in Australia I thought it would be foolish to turn down this free opportunity to meet him in the flesh. After getting my picture taken with him and speaking to him briefly he seems to be a very down to earth kind of guy and happy to be given the opportunity to return to a place he considers "his home away from home".

Judging by Friday's events my week had hit it's peak as not only did I take a positive step in the right direction in my quest to present on air on Australian radio but I also got to see Musiq Soulchild perform....wait for it....FOR FREE (Everyone loves a freebie right?!?). During my stint at 2SER radio last Friday I was given the opportunity to panel on the show which is definitely an upgrade from choosing the music right?!? Anyways, after completing the show I later went onto find out that the shows podcasts received over 1500 hits...magic touch maybe?!?...who knows?!?. Leading onto the concert and it's all quite strange and spontaneous of me how this classic "hook up" came about. Feeling quite down after the weeks event and it being a Friday I wanted to "let my hair down" (of what little I have left of it anyway) I remembered seeing these Musiq Soulchild posters plastered all over Sydney's CBD lamp posts so me being me I decided to put it out there via Facebook to see if anybody had a tickets going spare for the show. Little did I know that my prayers were being answered by the legendary Travis (thanks bro!) who knew of the right people to not only get us in the door of the concert but the afterparty as well....(now that's what I'm talking about!!!). Not only did I get to try out the worlds best dumplings at Din Tai Fung (they were AMA-ZING! by the way!!) but I got to stand right at the front of the concert to see Musiq perform...and when I say right at the front I mean the guy was literally spitting on me the whole night through every song.....it's ok I had a face cloth and some anti bacterial spray with me people so we're cool. In all seriousness though the guy has talent especially with the ladies with alot of them busting a gut just to touch his hand whilst others gazed at his presence lip syncing his lyrics.....(oh to be that guy!)

After be being spurred on by the week's events, Saturday saw me and my fellow housemates to be view some of the best and worse (and I mean worse) properties in and around the city of Sydney. Where one of the properties overlooked the beautiful scenery of the city and the Anzac Bridge other places had resembled a jail cell and with spongy floors and had a whole in the floor which was labelled as a "onsuite bathroom"....are you kidding me?!? Funny enough it was the "Ghetto Fabolous" apartment that was first to snapped up off the market......god help who ends up living there!!!

After another sensible night in on Saturday, Sunday definitely made up for it. At work marked the return of another monthly football (soccer) tournament where locals and regulars of the centres got given the chance to showcase their skills and pump up their ego's in the hope of winning a cash prize of $1,000 dollars. With this always comes a knock on effect to yours truly as I had to referee the whole tournament much to my delight and ear bashing at the same time. Quizzed on my eye sight, judgement and knowledge of the game for most of the afternoon I finally got to see why officials put themselves through this experience on a weekly basis....(erm....the money?!?). Swiftly moving on to the lord's house where theres never a dull moment. This week marred the absence of big momma and crazy phone guy who were replaced by the Collection Box Cheat and Mother Tulisa. I've already made my thoughts known about the lengths churches go through to collect money from people to praise the lord but when I seen a fellow "worshipper" take change from the collection box in exchange for his offering my man had sunk to a new low. This was then followed by spiritual healer who decided to plant her hands on my forehead in hope of curing my headache gained from my footballing woes earlier that morning. When questioned by Mother T if it had worked I smiled and thanked her for her efforts. Little did she know my pain had spread from my head to my heart from what I had witnessed earlier on that night.

I would get onto this week's events but my internet time is running low and I ain't got no spare change to top it up so with that being said I'll leave you guys with this message...."Treat People How You Would Want To Be Treated". I find that if you treat people badly or undermine them in anyway don't be surprised if the favour is returned in due course. On the other hand, if you treat people with respect and the honesty they deserve then I guarantee you will have a friend for life and an alibi when things go horribly wrong!

Until next time peeps

Peace out

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 10

Being reminded that I'm only in Australia for a year definitely has it's advantages and disadvantages I'll tell ya....where many of you back home are thinking that I'm lounging on a beach, watching "Home and Away" and petting kangaroo's every 5 minutes it's actually a lot different out here than people think!!! The constant work vs lifestyle balance has decided to follow me over to the sunny shores of Sydney to where I'm trying to satisfy both matters at hand within these working holiday visa constraints...not an easy task believe me!!!

Anyways, enough of the mellow dramatics and onto the past week which has seen me turn some heads...Literally. Let me cast your mind back to last Thursday which for me is the start of the week (why you ask?!?)...3 reasons...One, because I started this blog on a Wednesday so it seemed right in my head to start my official week from the Thursday Two, because I like to start the weekend early (eager I know!) and Three, because I arrived in Australia on a Thursday....confused?!? Don't worry about it...Back to the story....so I enter this hip hop and rnb club EARLY (no entry before 10pm....I'm on a budget...and what!) and it felt like I walk in there naked because the 18 black people (yh I counted) that were in there stared at me like I was an all you can eat buffet at Nando's...no lies!!! The first up to approach me was a guy from the states who immediately hit me with the line "you ain't from around here are you"....as much as I wanted to try out my best aussie accent and fool him I replied "no"..."what gave it away"....then my man gave an honest reply and said "because all the black folk that ever come to this joint are in here already"...."sigh"...after sharing some common observations on the lack of black folk in Australia and our admiration for jerk chicken (it's not just me!) he then asked me...."you got any weed"....I ain't gonna tell you what happened next....just remember kids...what happens in Sydney....stays in Sydney.

Onto my next interraction with "my sister" who was coming on a little to strong for my liking complimenting my "swag" (I'm fly I know!) and how she loves my british accent but for me I think she overstepped the boundaries when she commented on if my shoe size (I'm size 11.....twinkle toes baby ;) ) matched what's in my briefs **hides face** (oh no she didn't...oh yes she did!). This conversation as imagined died a slow death quite soon after this...Word to the wise ladies...good pick up lines work both ways! Overall the night was a success and I'm sure I'll be back in there sooner rather than later now that I'm part of the "family"!!!

Friday seen me link up with the old Fit 'N' Fast crew in Newtown before heading back into the city where we was lucky enough to party up in a penthouse apartment overlooking the city of Sydney. The view was amazing while the apartment itself was equally as breath taking (think MTV cribs minus the pool / cinema and hot cars outside!). After listening to Jaims' rendition of Backstreet Boys (I've still got that on my phone somewhere) and celebrating Johnny's promotion (congrats bro!) we was left reminiscing on past memories and new futures...ahh what a Walt Disney moment!!

That leads me swiftly on to Saturday where in the daytime I decided to switch back into tourist mode and visit Cockatoo Island where the name of the "island" doesn't really tell the full story. When you think of a island...your imagining palm trees, beaches and cocunuts right?!? Well in this case there was none of that as this island is full of recycled bits of material that they have some how turned into art...lets continue....from one of the exhibitions I witnessed a lady cutting the edges on a piece of paper...now really is that what you guys consider art?!? She must be a cut above the rest (bad pun!) but at least she's getting paid for what she loves I guess. Onto the night time and where I seen the nicest piece of generousity since people bought Soulja Boy's album (yeah I went there!) when a young man who was on a night out with his friends stopped inside Hungry Jacks to buy a homeless girl a whopper meal and even gave her the change....I'm not too sure what his was intentions were but from the outside looking in they looked genuine...what a guy!. As always, I was in search of the best hip hop spot to save my eardrums from crying and by chance I bumped into a random black bouncer on Oxford Street who was heading to Kings Cross.....now for those who haven't been there the contrast between clubbing in the city (CBD) and Kings Cross can definitely be described as "Chalk and Cheese" and this latest excursion to the "cross" was a definite cheesefest cos there was alot of "rats" out if you catch my drift.

Women looking to enjoy themselves as many ways as possible would be the best way to describe what I saw on Saturday night from taking shots off body parts to inviting men into the ladies toilets (i'm assuming to help them hold their hair back when they're spewing up in the toilet....hmmmm!). Anyways, the night ended early as I had to be responsible and wake up for work the next day (how boring am I?!?).....don't worry I'll make up for it this week.

On to Sunday, where once again I entertained 20 kids through the beautiful game of soccer...I mean football. Whenever I work with children there's always that one kid that hasn't had enough "timeouts" to realise he's doing wrong and I'm always the badguy who has to let them know what time it is and today was no different. With this being said parents were more than satisfied with my performance so much so that two took my number and asked me to look after them during the holidays....is someone up there trying to prepare me for fatherhood?!? Later on that evening at church as always it was eventful to say the least. Running late after my midday nap (I'm getting old you know!) I decided to board the free shuttle so I didn't miss the start of the service. After the boarding the bus I decided to take a seat by myself at the back of the bus where there was nobody to be seen or bother but less than a couple seconds later "Big Momma" decides to sit next to me and decides to get acquainted with my crotch area leaning across me and making herself right at home (Big Momma...NOOOOO!!!). She's busy telling me about her grankids where I'm thinking I ain't gonna get to see my grankids if she don't get of my family jewels. Luckily enough it's only a short journey to church so "meat and two veg" lived to see another day (close call there lads!).

The madness doesn't stop there folks...before getting into the service I decided to make a quick pit stop to see what the damage was to my men and take a leak at the same time and before I knew some guy tries to have a conversation to me about god....are you taking the piss?!?.....wrong time...wrong place to be having a deep and meaningful conversation I zipped up and was gone in 60 seconds flat...even Usain couldn't catch me!

The service itself was memorable though which touched me soo much I'm going to use as my final thought. The subject title this week was "Your identity determines your destiny" which to me speaks volumes because you can't escape who you are in life. If you're a bad person who does bad things you're going to lead a bad life and end up in jail, committing crimes or dead before your time. If you're a good person who works hard your going to get the most out of life and have the best memories so when the pastor said these things I had a "wow" moment which I thought I would share with anyone who takes the time to read this (thanks by the way!). Anyways, my brain is starting to throb which means I'm using it too much and I need to see a celebrity about adopting a black guy into their family (any Madonna's or Angelina Jolie's out there?!?)

Until next time people

Keep it real, be yourself and confident in who you are because there is NO ONE like you!!!

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 9

It seems my underdying infatuation for Australia is slowly dying out and turning into a love/hate affair if this weeks events has anything to go by.

I start off with employment which has definitely taken a turn for the worse. In the past 2 days my career in hospitality has nose dived into non existence with me losing out on 3 jobs / job opportunities in quick succession. Lines or excuses that were used in these instances included "This isn't the right career path for you" and "My face doesn't fit what were they were looking for"....and not to forget the classic "It's just not working out is it"......I'm sure if I had hung on any longer I would of heard something like "It's not you it's me" which goes without saying to be the most common break up line known to man....ah well...they can't keep a good man down I suppose.

On the next one like jigga man would say...which leads me onto discovering this Beyonce lookalike of my dreams or shall I say nightmares by the end of our very brief encounter. **Brothers can I get a soul clap please**....Ladies, when you step out into this beautiful world that we live in and have your "assets" on show please don't be offended if a guy fails to make eye contact with you...you obviously got taught about the "birds and the bees" especially since your pushing a baby stroller around so please wind that neck in and take it as a compliment. Once "B" (which I'm only referring to her as this due to her tendency to "bark" orders at me) clocked onto what I was observing she decided to turn nasty and try and cuss me out...but what she failed to realise was that her hench foot camel toes were to big for her dainty size 4 flip flops which ended in her tripping up and head butting her pram revealing "half" of her "worldy goods" for the men and women to see at the bus stop.....HAHAHAHAHA....In Yo' Face!!!! Thanks for show love!!!

Back to church and since they had no evening service I had to struggle (and I mean struggle) to get up out of bed early to attend the morning service...talk about your dedication. After missing out on my normal seating place I was forced to sit next to the "Psycho Sister aka Church Try Hard" who was carrying on like a lunatic in "the name of Jesus"...apparently!!! Clapping off beat and crying out randomly to the lord is probably not the best way to get the big mans attention and a routine I will not be practising......."Excuse me which way is the bathroom?!?" After that timeout and genuine toilet break I ended up sitting next to a guy who spent the rest of the service on the phone making calls to babymother(s), clients and pretty sure domino's pizza unless getting a slice of the hot stuff with those things I like was some sort of sexual innuendo....I'll let you be the judge.

As for the clubbing scene, I may have been put onto a winner (thanks Nicole) from Saturday's result. $20 entry fee for your best rnb and hip hop music from around the globe. The only downside to it was everybody looked like they got dressed in the dark. Guys wearing jeans that professor klump would describe as baggy along with G-Unit tanktops that could be mistaken for bra's....two words..."not pimpin'" springs to mind...where's the fashion police when you need them! Don't even get me started on the ladies as some of them were looked like they escaped from Steve Irwin's zoo....I'm sure Gorilla's and Tasmanian devils belong in the jungle right?!?

Leading swiftly onto the start of the week where I made a rare venture out on a Monday night to Side Bar which for me ended early...no I wasn't wasted....no I didn't score (say what!)....I was just tired and fell asleep in the corner of the bar and got woken up by a bouncer who's last words were "I think you've had enough mate".....yeah I've had enough of this place mate...I'm outta here!!!

Yesterday saw my australian radio career step up a gear as I got to record my first advert.....(woo hoo!) Sitting there minding my business in the music library I got "the call" to come into the studio and record a couple of voice overs for acts I probably won't ever get to meet or listen to but they now have the privlege of having my voice promote their work (lucky them!). To top things off the sales manager came in and said that I had a "voice for a radio" which I guess is a step up from having a "face for radio" so I will take my "props" where I can get them...thank you very much!!!

I know I'm losing you now so I'll keep my ending short and sweet...my wise words for this week are......wait for it......"Don't give up".......on that your career path, on that car you want, on that holiday you've been planning, on that girl / guy you've been texting.....the list is endless. As long as you want it hard enough keep pursuing your dreams....The wait will be worth it!!!

Enjoy the rest of your week people

Over and Out

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 8

As I slowly settle into a life in Sydney Australia I often think to myself "Why has it taken so long to move out here". Surrounded by friendly people, good weather, well paying jobs and hot women the choice is an easy one for anybody contemplating the big flight across from England.

Anyways, back to the weeks events which seen me stumble across the love of my life and she didn't even know it yet. On the way to work (on time my add as as well!) I was drawn to a red bull promotions van blaring some crazy house music which led to me being signalled inside to meet none other than former surfing world champion and future Mrs. Forde Sally Fitzgibbons. Obviously, I didn't know this at the time (the surfer bit anyway!) but I played it cool as a cucumber just strolling in off the street to collect my free can of Red Bull. After battling through all the photographers and entourage making a big song and dance about her I thought I might as well let her get a picture with me to make her day before heading for the exit towards work. Thanks to the assistance of google and my dear friend Chantal I now always have a reason to come back to Sydney in the future....see you soon Sally x

The next highlight of my week came from me venturing out on a "school night" (that's right!) to support the Signacion team who performed live at The Bank nightclub in Kings Cross. Seeing these guys on stage was a joy to watch and I really think they will go far in life and their careers especially with the team they have around them. The guys that performed on stage that night showed a lot of potential and can easily go toe to toe with any underground rap artist that I've seen perform live in the UK / US. It was so inspiring I was thinking of dusting off the old book of rhymes and seeing if I've still got it lol but for now I'll let the guys have their time to shine.

Last but no means least seen me get involved in someone elses business....BIG MISTAKE!!! On my way back from the shops I seen a man and a woman having a physical altercation in the street whilst cars tried to dodge them in broad daylight and as onlookers were just gazing in amazement I thought i'd try and be a "hero" and stop the fight...even BIGGER MISTAKE.....before I could get to break it up the woman unleashed a slap that I'm sure you people heard in England which sent my man to the floor....from this moment I was in two minds.....I could either help the guy to his feet and dust him off and calm the girl down or laugh and practice my best impression of Smokey from the film "Friday" and yell "You got knocked the f*ck out"

(Check the video below for a reminder....I swear it was like this lol!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KSdZyvvhoM

Lucky for this guy it was a combination of the two but I still did the right thing and helped a damsel in distress (and a brother in need!)....I wish I had my camera with me lol

Friday and Saturday can basically be described with one word...bor-ing! I ended up staying in and watching old Eddie Murphy films and witenessed Newcastle Utd getting cheated out of a potential draw at Stamford bridge (it's alright I'll fight back the tears....somehow!). Sunday as always was a hoot with a old lady trying to give me a relationship advice...either that or she was hinting for a date (have I really got a thing for older women?!?).  Asking a stringful of intimate questions managed to see me narrow down my potential bride to be to replicate Kim Kardashian face with Jennifer Lopez bootay with the brains of Albert Einstein and the money of Richard Branson...the words ....Mission Impossible come to mind but believe me when I say this......the hunt is on...thanks for help Doris!!!

My last thoughts before I depart come from me simply keeping my options open. It's funny how one small simple life choice which was to wake up earlier on a Monday morning (battle of my life!) led to me opening up several more doors of opportunity for me that day and for the future. I suppose the best thing to take from this is to never say never when an opportunity or chance is presented to you because you never know where it may lead you to.

Anyway folks, my hands are getting tired folks so until next time....keep safe and out of trouble!!!

Peace

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 7

As we finally start to warm up to the summer (thank god!) the time is finally upon us to start working on my tan (yes black people tan to you know!). Speaking of which, when I was in my local chemist looking to purchase some sun tan lotion I was casually checking out the factor 30+ and the assistant who I suppose was trying to "ässist" me asks me "Is this for you sir?!?"....now I could easily have taken this two ways...maybe even three but seeing as I was in a funny sort of mood I replied "yes I need it to top up my white bits".....the look on her face was priceless....hahaha!!!

So this week I said goodbye to my work colleagues and friends at Fit N Fast who went out of their way to sign a shirt for me as a memento of the memories that we had whilst working there....(where's a tissue when you need one!)...Good luck to you all!

On to church and this week I spent most of the service listening to a chinese man who I shall now avoid from every Sunday at all costs (sorry "Tone Death Tony") as he simply destroyed all musical notes known to mankind. Now I ain't no Luther Vandross but I know what sounds good from bad but folks this was awful. I'm sure you've heard of the term "voice like a strangled cat" well this was more "voice like constipated lion"....goodbye eardrums!!!!

Now as if I wasn't going to brag about my little 15 minutes of rapping fame from Friday night as I shared a memorable and somewhat messy night (ain't that right Patrick!) on Friday as myself and the tagroom team went out to "let our hair down". Being the black guy that I am I ended up coming out late so I had to catch up with the antics of the night and catch I did as I was led to some under ground karoake room club that we turned in to 106 and Park, although if I was to show you the video footage from the night you would think I was more biggie falls than biggie smalls...ah well....at least we had fun!!!

Saturday night saw the reunion of the former Nomads crew as I FINALLY got my invite round to see the girls new pad for their official housewarming....nice work ladies. After all going our seperate ways I ended up popping into cheers bars to watch the mighty toon destroy spurs 2-1 (cue hating yids fans haha!)

Back to work where I was given another compliment, this time by a woman that was only old enough to be mum this week (the age gap is getting smaller!) as she expressed her desire to me let me know that I should be on a TV advert looking all sharp (no lies!).....obviously from that moment on I was on high and then when I thought things couldn't get any better than this whilst powering a packed crowd of aussies and kiwis during an intense rugby game I hear someone yell "slow down Usain you nearly spilled my pint"....enter back into reality!

Come Monday morning the streets of Sydney were packed and buzzing as the Australian olympic team were being paraded around with their medals in tow. Typically I had the most entertaining seat in the house as I was stood next to a drunken hobo who was carrying a box of goon screaming "where's my Sally Pearson?!?"....as if she wants to see your $2 dollar a$$ fool! There's always one! Overall the day was a great turnout and only further inspired me to make sure i'm in Rio by 2016 for the next games....where's my passport?!? 

My message this week represents a trait that I'm guilty of but I'vebeen trying to work on for a long time now. Life indeed is too short....especially to hold grudges and as I've made friends and lost them I hope to some day reconcile with people that I was once close with even if its just to say "hi" and "bye" so there's no hard feelings.My advice to anyone who cares to listen is if you have anyone who you've fallen out with, take the time to talk out to sort out your differences before it's too late.

Catch you later

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 6

This blog was brought to you by the proud sponsors of Nando's and KFC.....known for satisfying more black men than Cheryl Cole.....Ohhh yeaahhh!!!

This week leaves me a  little disappointed especially with the end of the olympics. After viewing the millions of pictures, tag in's and statuses' highlighting the fun and excitement of this years event on Facebook I've been now diagnosed with "Post Olympic Blues" syndrome. In an attempt to fight my illness I decided to begin a fitness regime through the inspirational performances of brother Usain and uncle Mo which ended in an out of breath and slightly dizzy black guy getting assisted to the nearest park bench whilst jogging through Hyde Park....embarassing to say the least!

At least now the early morning wake ups will be replaced by lazy lie in's for all of a week as the premiership football season starts back up this Saturday....thank god!!! Cheers bar will now be my second home for the remaining 6 months every weekend providing me with football, football and more football happy days!!!

Things got worse as my two weeks of carribean cooking came to an abrupt end (temporarily I hope) as I had to settle for a medicore spaghetti bolognese meal for sunday dinner...For all you potential backpackers / travellers out there....please make sure take note of what your mum's dishing up for you on your plate as i'm sure you'll find it's easy to eat but a lot harder to make...believe me I've tried!

Saturday night led me to enjoy my first old school hip hop night whilst being in Australia. It was quite surreal being in that type of environment especially when most songs were dropping the "n"bomb like theres no tomorrow but I was the only person in the room who was "racically"allowed to say it. 

Back to work and whilst serving thirsty aussies and fellow expat's with glasses of golden joy (aka pints / schooners).  I was propositioned by an older woman in a bizarre business deal for my hand in marriage. Whilst explaining to her my reasons behind being in Australia and my love to stay here within the distant future she made me an offer that SHE couldn't refuse suggesting that I pay her $5,000 to marry her in order to stay here in the country....considering she looked like the back end of a bus and was high as a kite whilst sitting with her HUSBAND (may I add) I kindly refused and smiled cringly.....awkward!

At my other job I got caught "rack watching" when member 1001(yeah right like I'm gonna tell you!) was putting on more of a performance than a workout which definetly brightened up the day. After having her assets on display she winked to me on the way out leaving me thinking "She must have been doing on purpose"...hmmmm...interesting!

Church as always was amusing to say the least as I've now encouraged others to join me in this holy time of my life (does that make me a "bible basher"?!?).....During playful conversation before service commenced the subject "Sex before marriage" got brought up as a major talking point in regards to the youth of today. As they were making the their way around the group of people asking their opinions and own experiences I was dreading getting quizzed by their judging eyes and wagging fingers....luckily for me with seconds to spare the music hit therefore signifying the start of the next service at my chance to escape 21 questions....phew....now I definitely know what the term "Saved By The Bell" means.....if only they knew ay ;)

Leading smoothly onto my ""extracurricular activities" where I made a new friend who I shall refer to as"" Ed Sheeran on the sauce"" whilst blogging away for Tagroom.com. The guy was a definite Jeremy Kyle / Jerry Springer special case arriving 2 hours late for the start of his new internship....(I thought black people were bad!!!) He then proceeded to raid his new bosses fridge for food (I'm sure he's not black?!?) and then finally tries to pull off a magic trick that would make Harry Houdini turn in his grave after attempting to turn a pack of chewing gum into cigarettes....(for the last time he's not black!)....P.S. before leaving the room he revealed that he was fresh out of a medical centre and doesn't brush his teeth cos he's "low on funds"....and I thought I needed help!

Anyway, enough of my rambling on....with these last words I'll leave you with this message that stuck out to me like a sore thumb as I was flicking through my facebook contact lists with friends who are starting to make progress in their life, career and relationships through taking advantage of opportunities that they have created for themselves. In the past I've questioned why certain instances haven't worked out as planned and whilst being a firm believer that ""ëverything happens for a reason" I have now come to the conclusion that we create our own destiny in life through the people we meet and the choices we make in life. With this being said I wish you all every success in the future and I hope you do the same.

Until next week peeps!!!

Love from "Down "Under!!!

Forde Esq.