Black Man In Australia - Chapter 28

One thing I'm most definitely going to miss about Australia is their heat. So although were still in January I still managed to feel and witness the hottest day of the year whilst taking a venture upto Newcastle. Although in two different countries, the two same named cities shared alot of similarities including Hot women, Sandy beaches and Strange looking people who hang around train stations looking to cause trouble....ok maybe not the last bit but to the tramp who decided to call me a "slave" after I walked passed him to board my train home, I hope your thinking about your actions in a jail cell somewhere after the police decided to take him away for being disruptive and unethical to passengers. Anyway, enough of Harry the hobo and back to this heatwave...whilst burning away under the sun I actually managed to top up my tan but only enough to end up tango'ed or chocolate smothered (for black people) on my face and my arms....I guess that's what they call "sunny side up" ay?!? So after my excursion to Newcastle and my 4 hour journey home it was on to the freaking weekend.....
Definitely one of the perks of volunteering at a radio station is gaining access to an endless amount of gigs to discover new artists and Saturday arvo / afternoon was no different. This time round I was given the privilege to go and see Lianna La Havas perform in the Spiegeltent in Hyde Park as part of Sydney Festival. The singer from old blighty represented England well as she entertained the crowd from start to finish in an hour long set that even seen get a picture with her at the end...what a legend.
Later that night I got to be a part of my first ever block party in Bondi as someone's house was literally turned into a club where it had seemed they had invited the whole world and their wifes as they attempted a real life 'Project X' style party. The place was full with wall to wall honey's, guys fresh out of the gym aka "The Bondi look" and a couple of strays carrying a briefcase full of beers....I suppose that's the logical thing to do if you can't find a stubby holder in a block party isn't it?!? So as always when you're surrounded by drunken fools and you're the token black guy there there's always some comment that has to be made to break the ice...this time around it was along the lines of "Oi mate...where did you get your spray tan from?!?"....before I could find my baby powder to slap this M.O.F.O (Male Or Female Ogre) he offered to take a picture with me and offered me his wife "for the night" in I think was an attempt to apologise for his choice of words....and I'll tell you something for nothing....I think she was ready to 'take one for the team' of you know what I mean ;) All in all the party was banging and made news across the city for the wrong and right reasons before getting shut down by the police....party poopers!

So to top off a semi produtive week I happened to win a competition that I didn't even realise I had entered. A brand new pair of headphones and mini boombox will be on their way to me shortly which go a long in replacing the set of headphones and ipod that I had stolen from me late last year....you gotta love that karma boy!

So another week is down and as I prepare to say my final goodbyes I'll definitely look to make the most of these precious and precarious moments in good ol' Ozstralia!

Until next time folks

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 27

So with time running actively against me in Sydney, my tourist days seemed to be numbered. One of my main checklist priorities was to watch a show at the Opera House and on Friday I got to make that a reality through watching Hip Hopera based dance show "Blaze". With more moves than a chess board it was no wonder this spectacle sold out it's first few opening nights in Sydney. With these type of things it's always important to get a good seat and due to me "Ballin on a Budget" I happened to be placed in the dreaded "nosebleed" section behind Andre the Giant....just my luck! So while the Big Show was happy snapping away from a distance I was too busy drooling over what mine and Lucy Liu's twin sisters kids would look like with her making eyes at me all throughout the night....either that or she was worried I was going to rob her but either way I still had her attention!

Show's over.....and while the night is still young I headed onto Oxford Street aka Soho on heat or with heat obviously being in Australia and passing through here always seems to bring more drama than it's worth. Last time I was there I recall getting asked if "Seal could spare any change"....best believe my pockets stayed slammed tighter than a Alicia Keys cornrows with that remark. This time round it wasn't any different with drunk passers by requesting that "Will.i.am sing them a song"......it's safe to say that the look on my face that night said enough words for them to them experience....again...NOT IMPRESSED! So onto the reason why I was there...after receiving several spam messages regarding the grand opening of 02 nightclub I decided to check it out to see what the hype was about and for me it felt more like an ordinary night out than an official unveiling of a venue. No "wow" factor had been put in place or guest appearances had been arranged in an attempt to re affirm their status as the place to be on a Friday night....you won't see me there in a while.

Whilst travelling the globe solo you never seem to be short of company and lately this week I've been coming home to some unexpected bedside friends of mine. Animals / creatures have never been my strongest point and never will be and thanks to my size 11 boat shoe and can of bug spray that will be the last images that "Sammy the Spider" and co will witness in their 8 legged lifes. Playing the role of the black Steve Irwin has never been a dream of mine but when a monster dangles viciously above your head it's time to man up and get to swinging!
Now back to life and back to reality which is sinking in faster than the Titanic and with that brings me another week shorter towards leaving the land of the roo's for a life over the other side of the atlantic. With that being said I've managed to extend my time over this side of the world a little longer by booking flights to New Zealand and Fiji to see visit the Kiwi and Fijian people to see how they do things. Not only that but I've decided to brave it and book a ticket to eventually fly across to South America where I aim to first of all stay alive and not become the next Tony Montana and running my own drug cartel once I hit Columbia....here's to hoping I guess.

Back with church news much to my surprise there was no weirdo's to choose from in the audience but I must say the pastor who was leading the service was dropping rhymes like Reverend Run was in the building. Preaching out advice with lines like "it's time be BETTER and not BITTER, turn History in to HIS STORY, change this MESS into a postive MESSAGE and use lifes TEST as your TESTIMONY" it was only a matter of time before he was due to start plugging his mixtape in between scriptures. He almost had me ready to jump out of my seat and give him a random "whoop whoop" before he started bashing on about sex before marriage where my outcry of affection would then turn to me crying for forgiveness.....I'm sure I wasn't the only one in the audience saying a few hail mary's that night!

So to conclude another week survived in Sydney, I bid you farewell, make the most of your time and existance on this planet and all it entails and last but no means least....all the best for the future!

Until next time

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 26

So onto 2013 and to start of the year where I wasted little time celebrating the start of the year correctly through attending "Field Day" at the Domain in Sydney. After committing to working a 5 hour shift in order to receive a free entry pass into the only place to be on January 1st apart from your bed nursing a hangover it was surprising to see so many people actually out in attendance. Speaking of surprises....I managed to catch a glimpse of Coolio who must of been resurrected from the graveyard to perform at this show cos to be honest I haven't seen this guy perform since MJ was alive! Sporting a hairdo or shall I say a "hairdon't" the man hailing from Gangsta's Paradise reminded me of all the times spent listening to my next door neighbour blaring"I'll C U When You Get There" on repeat when he had his 15 minutes of fame.

After managing to land my hands on a FREE yes I repeat FREE M.I.A. ticket...the Enmore Theatre was my next destination of choice this Friday. Much to my disappointment the highlights of the night were by far learning how to "Womp" from Sam And The Womps which I'm sure will see me tear up dancefloors in the future while Nina Las Vegas span some killer records that I would usually only be able to sample from the comforts of my own ipod. Now as musical performances go I always believe that they should be entertaining to say the least so I suppose M.I.A. receives a tick in this proverbial box but when you invite a small army on to the stage to party with you who are all too busy taking "selfies" to bother listening to your music then the purpose of the operation defeats itself...I dunno, call me a "H.A.T.E.R." all you want but it's safe to say I wasn't impressed in the slightest and won't be on look out for any of her latest material.

One thing I LOVE about Australia and Sydney in particular is that they know how to throw a party and celebrate for the sake of it and Sydney Festival was no different. 1 whole month of events, music and entertainment based around the city is sure fire way to keep Sydneysiders and tourists busy and to kick off the festival of festivities they held an opening day right bang smack in the middle of the Domain. Obviously being no stranger to this location due to my raving efforts a couple days earlier on Field Day the day began early in the day and late into the night as musical entertainment brought to the park live courtesy of the Dap Kings and co with sounds of soul and blues provided the perfect melody for an all round perfect evening.

Already well into the party mood I decided to venture into the city to keep the party candle alight by heading on down to Good Good Small Club to embark on some hip hop to get me more into the spirit of things. Little did I know that this venue filled with adults had let a few stray oversized kids in as I was found to be the subject of live childrens game of "Can my friend have your number?!?". Whilst "Dropping it like it was hot" I was approached by a young hot tamale who I thought was after my blood the way she was addressing me who then pointed me in the direction of her friend who shall I politely describe as a "Wolf in sheeps clothing" due to the attire she decided to or tried to "wear" that night. For those who wasn't in attendance that night let's just say I never played a game of "hide and seek" in a club before for sooo long but when the catcher looks like she ready to eat you alive these things need to be done.

Bring on the summer and from my own personal experience I must have experienced the hottest day in my life. Luckily for me I got to spend it on a beach down south in Wollongong where I guess women must be running low on money due to their lack of clothing...who am I to judge huh?!? With some soulful house playing in the background all that was missing was a few bottles of Ciroc Vodka and a camera and we would of had ourselves a rap video with the amount of flesh that was on show but as I said before...who am I to judge?!?

Well to start off the year as I mean to go on I decided to dedicate my year into making myself happy by any means necessary. It's commonly known to write out promises to achieve goals and targets through resolutions so with that being said my main aspiration for 2013 is to make my year a memorable and pleasurable one for yours truly!

Until next time

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 25

So after a disappointing Xmas day, it was upto Boxing day to pack a punch and leave it's mark over this failing festive period (Pun definitely intended!). After taking a weary stroll into the CBD there was a common theme emerging outside almost high street shops as men were left to their own devices while their other half "shopped til they dropped" in the traditional Boxing Day sales. One look inside Topshop was enough to signal that I had no part to play in this day of madness as females were acting more weird and crazy than "that time of the month".

So enough of the women bashing and back into tourist mode as I unveiled new territory in my Australian adventure after taking a trip up to the Central Coast to see what it had to offer. After enduring a long and painful 2 hour journey of over aggressive grandparents and excitable children I finally arrived at Gosford with my head in my hands thinking outloud "What have I let myself in for". Now to the untrained eye, this place looked like a ghost town and all I needed was a ball of tumbleweed and some burnt out buildings to send me packing back on the next train to Sydney but I decided to give it the benefit of the doubt and explore in more detail in hope of some life in this city branded the best beaches in New South Wales.

So from what I can gather, they have more than meets the eye in this place after sailing through Erina Shopping Centre before heading to Terrigal Beach to see if the myth was indeed true. Now usually I don't get too hyped up about beaches after spending the past year travelling through Australia lounging on beach after beach after beach and to me they pretty much all look the same but I can see why this place gets rave reviews. Also, with this admiration for sand and water definitely brings the need to reveal as much flesh as possible in what can only be described as "boob weather"....not that I was complaining of course as I'm sure I encountered more breast than a KFC oven but "hey" who counting?!?

So after Beastfest 2012 once again I found myself in the depths of Sydney smut which is also known to Sydneysiders as Kings Cross embarking on another night out of tales and musical torture. After exiting some terrible venues with poor attendances and even worse talent I was in search of place to get the party started. Ironically, my prayers got answered in an odd fashion after exchanging words with a car full of insinuating Armenian girls whose sole goals in life were to "breed up" some babies that look like Chris Brown...thank goodness I look more like Chris Rock than Mr. Happy Slap over there so I was able to "side step" that offer of a lifetime and move swiftly on to the Backroom Club to escape babyfather hell that evening. Unfortunately, this scenario was definitetly the common theme of the night as women were as horny as a hooker on double pay...it must be the festive season or something?!? I even got my ass groped my a random guy who thought it would be funny to blame the nearest girl to me to get a reaction out of me...not cool buddy...not cool.

So after waking up to my team getting thrashed (thanks Arsenal fans for ever so carefully reminding me btw!) I found myself at church for the last service of the year. After a 3 week hiatus I actually appreciated being back in the lords crib full of nutjobs and bible bashers...I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder ay? So this week while "people watching" I managed to spot a family who are obviously not fans of church tunes as whenever a hymn was played they plugged their fingers firmly in their ears in protest...Several encores later I'm sure they must of dug out a clear tunnel through to their brain so what was really on their mind in their feeble attempt to block out Hillsongs songs of worship. The message for this service was emphatically labelled "Expectation" where the pastor challenged the congregation to raise the level of expectation in their lifes for 2013....finally a subject I can get onboard with! When posing the question, he hit hard with some "home truths" regarding what happens as a result of accepting defeat in your own personal quest for happiness and fulfilment in life....WOW....for me....in other words he mean't...I gotta step my game up in 2013...note taken!!!

So on comes Monday which wasn't just any other Monday. This was the end of the year which has seen me travel through the realms of Australia and meet some awesome people and enjoy some fantastic experiences...no complaints this year from me although I was hoping Santa Claus would have popped by to drop off a new laptop for xmas but he must of not of got my email...ah well. The day was spent the "traditional" aussie way...(I would like to think).....Eating "snags" aka Sausages on the "Barbie" followed by a couple games of rounders in the park which was perfect way to start off the day gearing up for the night light display. After witnessing the 9pm kiddies fireworks I decided to take a wild stab at trying to get a view of the main fireworks by the harbour to see 2012 off in style with a "B-A-N-G". After heading down to Circular Quay earlier that day the odds of me getting a spot at 11.45pm with cut off curfew of 3pm were pretty much slim to none but somehow I managed to find view of the harbour to witness the best firework display in thr world hosted by Kylie Minogue which rounded off a throughly enjoyable 2012 year in Australia.

Until next year folks

Good luck and have a good year on 2013

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 24

So as my first Australian xmas approaches and my 2nd away from home I was left with no choice to get into the spirit of things and enjoy the season of goodwill. After a busy day of work I was left to unwind and "let my hair down" in true baldylocks fashion at The Marquee with Rakz, Hektik Hektor aka Bad Santa and his entourage of people. Using my Drake-esque attitude entitled #YOYO aka Your Only Young Once, I decided hit the bottle...why you say?!? Erm....because I was thirsty!!!
In between getting served drinks by hot women dressed as Santa's little helpers, catching up with old friends from past travel adventures (sup Kavita!) and getting "the eye" from the cougars in the corner of Cherry Bar I was shown the true meaning behind having a very MERRY Christmas.

So after surviving the "end of the world" I was led to believe that I was beginning to sound a lot more like Alf out of "Home And Away"  after a customer at work was surprised to here ozzie accent come from a "brother"...to be honest...so was I?!? Usually serenaded by the words "You sound like your from London" I was shocked beyond belief as this lady from 'straya seemed to think we could have grown up on the same patch of land.

So with another week away from Church due to err...erm...fatigue..that's it fatigue...I spent my Sunday once again in the company of Rakz, Hektor and friends getting fat, sipping on Corona's and listening to women talk about hot black....MEN....nearly dream living?!? Unfortunately I wasn't the topic of conversation this time around **sigh** but the days highlights was provided with a fitting tribute to a man who started a dream from his bedroom and continued all the way to the boardroom via studio...no I'm talking about one of R. Kelly's sex tapes but more importantly Rakz Mathur and his Signacion vision to take Sydney's music scene by storm. In the illustrious words of Tyga......Rak City Bitch!!

So were upto Xmas eve which seen me get invited to a latino inspired party thanks to my favorite Angolan / Portugeezerbird Carla who made me feel very welcome indeed. For those who know me, I've never been a stranger to a dinner plate but with soo much grub too choose from I decided to play it safe and select a wholesome choice of salad and fish....I know right?!? After checking my temperature to see if I was ill after selecting a kids meal for girls as a main course I was left to trade songs with Mr. Braveheart and co. who songs of choice were "interesting" to say the least. Let's just say their selection of choice would be lost on my ipod....to put it nicely ;)

So it's here...Xmas day! To make me feel right at home, the most celebrated day on earth was brought to me by rain and cloudy weather....so this is Australian xmas?!? Can I have a refund please sir?!? Determined not to be disheartened by this watery affair I still took a trip down to Bondi Beach that was filled by tourists travellers looking to make the most out of bad situation...my only regret was not to pack my umbrella instead of a xmas hat as I was drenched even before I had hit the water. In search of shelter I managed to stumble across a church who I believe was feeding the homeless with the message firmly plastered on the front door "Free Lunch For Everyone" which definitely had my eyes interested and mouth watering at their cleverly worded marketing campaign. A dozen or so turkey slices later it was performance time where food scoffers and I'm pretty sure consumers of the alcoholic range joined in unison to rendition carols and songs remotely related to xmas which definitely provided my cue to leave for home to then be greeted by my neighbours who doing they're very best to celebrate the season to be jolly style via the bedroom....Mark my words, somebody was "coming" home for Xmas!

So that's it folks...no inspirational message this week from me although in the spirit of xmas I will remind people not to eat yellow snow...unless it's in a cone!

Until next time folks

Merry Xmas

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapters 22 + 23

Boom! So I had to hit you with a double whammy...mainly because I'm backtracking since xmas trying to remember what I've been getting upto for the past couple of weeks. With not a lot to report on life this week this weeks addition will be quick and forgettable...kinda like losing your virginity I guess....anywho....

In order not to bore myself in trying to find magical words to sum up these past couple of weeks I've bulletpointed the highlights so I can draw a line in the sand and move swiftly on to future endeavours:

Dec 15th - FBI Radio's Debut of O.S.K.'s single Digi Talk -  Another music inspired night spent at FBI where my Oscar got his first taste of radio exposure via Tape 5's request show. His song 'Digi Talk' which he has been recently been released via itunes got it's first official play on air much to the delight of the Signacion team.

Dec 16th - Tagroom xmas party - My first frozen yoghurt (Froyo) experience which did not disappoint. I can finally see what the hype was all about as this occasion was one that I would have down as very cool and sweet much like my Mango and Strawberry dessert courtesy of the guys at Mooberry Frozen Yoghurt in Newtown.

Yep, that's pretty much it. Work is work and everything else has pretty much been on self repeat as I gear upto to my first xmas in Australia.

Until next time folks

Forde Esq.