Black Man In Australia - Chapter 17

So reporting live from sun shy Sydney where Week 38 has brought me heartache and emotion than a Jerry Springer paternity test...Is it mine?!? Let me cast my mind back to last Friday where I embarked on my first trip to Sydney's premier nightclub attraction "The Marquee". Now usually I love a woman dressed up in a nurses uniform, intoxicated in alcohol with chocolate around her lips but on this Halloween themed occasion I really didn't seem to have the same affect on me. With the Rnb room unsurprisingly out of action I was forced to suffer in a heavy house and trance induced room with party people mosh pitting and causing havoc......out of my depth?!? I was drowning to say the least!!! Desperate to make the night somewhat salvageable I ended up shaking a leg with a peculiar looking guy dressed in a Super Mario costume who assigned himself with any chicks he could find. In the end, it was safe to say that it was definitely "Game Over" for the mini Italian Stallion once Mary-Kate and Ashley had sobered up to reality and discovered his spaghetti and meatballs wasn't what they ordered.....Ciao for now!!!

So what did Thursday bring....a small taste of summer...that's what. Of course I wouldn't be much of host without taking my boy Nilton to Bondi beach where sand worshippers got to not only fry under god's daily light bulb but was also treated to some odd sculptures on a cliff that they labelled as "Art"...apparently?!? Such pieces such as plastic carefully positioned cutlery alongside balloon shaped pets are the picasso painting of New South Wales according local exhibitionists....yay or cray...you be the judge?!? I know what I'm thinking!!! So after witnessing the "monsterpieces" by the sea it was time to visit Sydney's tourist hot spot at Circular Quay to take in the breath taking sights of the Sydney Opera house and the Harbour Bridge for the very first time.....this week!!! Did anyone request a mail order bride?!? Now I know love should have no barriers but when everyone shops at the same cupid boutique eyebrows shall be raised. It seems middle aged men and asian chicks barely out of their pampers are definitely in fashion this summer in the city streets of Sydney if this week is anything to go by. I've always said that if I haven't settled down by the tender age of 40 I would place my hand in the ladyboy lucky dip of Thailand with in the hope of finding Mrs. Forde with all genitals placed where they should be....let's hope it doesn't come down to this shall we?!?

So Saturday's day off from work was spent first of all venturing into the dark realms of Glebe's market where old tat was getting haggled over....reminds me of University clubbing days spent in Coventry...ahh those were the days....From there I joined up with my housemates and friends at the annual Surry Hills Festival where musicians and food lovers united over a muddy field to raise money for the local neighbourhood. Upon this odd occasion I discovered a west indian food stall that ended up being more of a let down than watching "Taken 2"....oh yeah by the way...that film sucks and Liam Neeson is the new Steven Seagall = #PoorActing.com/TheyBothSuckBalls. I can only describe the let down in my stomach once I found out that my Trinidad friend only had three dishes on the menu and none of them involved Rice, Peas or the infamous Jerk Chicken....This guy needs to check his passport because he can't be from the same Caribbean that I'm from!

This weeks yawnfest in Church was directed by a sexy russian in a business suit who's rant led me to the land of nod faster than Usain Bolt's bedroom activities......I do enjoy it...honest?!? 50 winks later I met up with an high school friend and Sydney socialite Rob Cole who reminisced on past school tales and current life dramas....boy can this guy tell it how it is. During the gossipfest we was joined by a tall legged brunette who's integrity I shall question until immensly. After somehow introducing myself as a black slave from Namibia the conversation found itself quizzing the friendly giants racial acceptance with her response claiming that "I can't be racist....my friend slept with a black bloke last night"......Don't all shake your head at once folks....I feel your pain!!!

So after discovering that people actually take notice of my advice I suppose I should drop another bit of knowledge for all 2 of y'all reading my blog. This week I shall be asking you all to believe in yourselves even if nobody else does. People who come across as confident and cocky already know the deal that no one else will show faith in you unless you show faith in yourself. How else will someone "have your back" if you act spineless through life's trial's and tribulation's. With that being said I believe it's times for me to stop talking and tuck into this succulent slice of Banana bread that has been sat in front of me for the past hour begging me to eat it....**Homer Simpson druel**.....Don't judge me...I'm only human!!!

Until next time folks

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 16

So this week marked the arrival of my good friend Nilton Brito all the way from the Angola bearing gifts and the same enthusiasm I had when I first arrived in the land down under. After touching down at 11pm on Friday where was the first place I decided to take him....Ivy bar of course!! Making his debut in the infamous poser palace he we blown away by the 4 floor party kingdom of Sydney whilst I was getting harrassed upon arrrival by middle aged aussie cougars looking to get their hands on some young fresh chocolate flavoured meat. Onto Day 2 where brother Brito was left to his own devices to sight see and explore  I was left with a rare day off from work that was spent assisting in the National Fire Fighters Games in Sydney. Fire services that represented countries all across the globe were chosen to compete against each other in events such as the bi-annual cook off challenge, billiards and speed dating......I now know why women love a man in uniform!!!

So after 5 weeks of living in the beautiful back streets of Glebe we finally celebrated with our house warming party. Based outside on the beautiful outstretched park area overlooking the city, friends and work colleagues gathered together and enjoyed each others company whilst party inspired music played in the background kicking off the night well for a strong finish. Once the food had arrived the crowd moved inside where more guests began to arrive and antics revealed peoples level of intoxication to one another....I'll leave it at that!

Onto church where I brought Nilton along with me for the ride to see what the fuss was all about and to be honest I'm glad I did as he can now vouch for my stories especially with this week's service. Participating within the culture experience this week, two contestants from China and Korea respectively were brought on stage to be quizzed on the differences between rice and sushi, asian fighting stances and their ability to "wax on wax off"...bit stereotypical don't you think?!? To make matters worse, they were both asked to perform a traditional middle eastern song...you know what that mean't right?!? Yes they danced to......."GANGNAM STYLE"......Oh my lord?!? This song is everywhere!!! Even was getting on down with the smooth moves Psy's long lost brother from another mother.
Back to serious matters where the key message this week was "Believe, Belong and Behave"....three words that go hand in hand and carry great meaning once completed in full. I'm sure everybody in the service would agree with me that this service was one of the more memorable messages that people will remember and can relate to apart from the middle aged asian lady resting her eyes two seats up from me...maybe she had a lot to pray about perhaps?!?

So this week I learn't how to be more patient with people especially with this guy next to me in the library shouting at his computer monitor over an episode of Pokemon....special kid! Often I'm known to get frustrated at people and their difference of opinion or characteristics when maybe I just need to accept that person for who they are and not for who I want them to be. If we was all the same way inclined the world would be a boring place to say the least which is why life is made more interesting by the people we meet and get to engage with. With that being said I'm about to go engage with this brother down the road who's promised me some of Jamaica's finest jerk chicken and rice for less than $20.00....oh yeah!!!

Until next time folks. Take care of yourself and each other

 

Forde Esq.

 

#PraiseTheForde

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 15

This week's addition will be shorter than midget's ding-a-ling (just assuming of course!) as my week mainly consisted of my catching up on over a week's worth of sleep.....talk about giving my pillow some head!!!

With my next travel budget heavily in mind before escaping the sunny shores of Sydney to pastures new, work was heavily on the horizon. Don't worry folks, my social life will be back with me shortly as Brother Brito will be touching down shortly from Angola to pimp slap me back to normality. In the meantime, the highlights of this week consisted of me attending my first A-league fixture whilst watching Sydney FC take on state rivals Newcastle Jets where I was presented with the opportunity to witness marquee Jets signing Emile Heskey take on the legendary italian stallion Alessandro Del Piero....Let's play ball!!! The game didn't disappoint the 35,000+ plus crowd that attended as we were given the privilege of seeing both star players score for each team with Del Piero's free kick definitely being the pick of the bunch....what a beauty!! Not only that, but we was also entertained to some live footy chants that I still remember to this day with word play such as:

"S-Y-D...N-E-Y...I am Sydney Till I Die, With A Knick Knack Paddy Whack, Give A Dog A Bone...Newcastle Can F' Off Home"

Charming...to say the least! Not words I wish to repeat at any NUFC match but catchy none the less. All in all I loved every minute of it with a finale that didn't exactly go in Sydney's favour but a great spectacle for the neutral supporter none the less.

Meanwhile at the blackcave we finally managed to unearth some fairly new furniture for the new place thanks to some handy work from house mate Marie. It was all looking a bit shady when we first moved in and the only thing we had was a TV and room full of suitcases but now the nest egg in Glebe is starting to look a lot like home....ahhhh!!!

So onto church where we there was a european celebration on the cards. On stage stood a member representing Sweden, France and Germany each asked to say something sexy in their native tongue..obviously the man from deutschland didn't stand a chance. Not only that but they was also asked to sing the national anthem which I suppose was a tough ask for the scandinavian representative who was asked to recite her rendition of Abba classic "Dancing Queen".....Tough break for Ulrika! Moving swiftly with the message of the day being quite simple "Approach each week with drive, power and conviction which left me thinking....what have I been doing all this time?!? While these guys were stating the obvious I was quietly left to conversatr with this middle aged filipino lady on how I would be a good match for her daughter...wait.....there's more....and how she needs a start a family sooner rather than later. Bearing in mind my potential wife to be was only the tender age of 18 I pointed out that my wife "Shaniqua" wouldn't be too pleased if I took her daughters hand in marriage (love you boo!)....Close but no cigar!!!

P.S. I'm not married!

So before leaving you I suppose I should give offer some words of wisdom that I've started to put into practice myself. When tackling a goal however big or small it is, a smart way to approach it is to break down the components of it and make bitesize targets making the overall objective less daunting than when you started off. In laymen's terms....start small and think BIG!!! This concept as always can be applied to any ambition you have in mind so don't be afraid to put it to use.

Until next time folks...stay safe, play safe and stay away from my safe!

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 14

So I won't try and hold you for too long. Basically, my week consisted of 3 things work, work and more work. After establishing that all women are crazy when it comes to clothes I now have to reconsider marrying a fashion model if this has anything to go by. Thursday marked the grand opening of Topshop in Sydney and with that brought chaos and mayhem from all over Australia. There was men and women camping outside since the 11pm the night before in order to get their hands on $100 gift cards and exclusive give away bags...how crazy are these people?!? Despite being warned by management that this would be the biggest event since Kylie Minogue becoming single again I don't think anybody was prepared for the madness that occured on 4th October....please tell me it gets easier right?!? 

So after battling my way through the past couple of months on public transport I decided to take a punt on getting a push bike to weave in and out of traffic in hope of cutting down my journey times and saving on costs....big mistake. Now, I've never really had much joy with bikes in the past so god knows why I didn't think through this great idea of mine more thoroughly as less than 24 hours into my cycling stint I arrived back at K-mart from where I purchased the 2 wheeled death trap with a broken handle bar and a heart pounding worse than a sumo wrestler walking on egg shells. Back to the bus you say...err yes please?!? 

After another gruelling day of staring at gorgeous women at Topshop I was given my first taste of airplay on local community radio station 2SER FM during their graveyard shift. I have to say despite the 2am start and 5am finish I actually loved every minute of it. Buzzing through the entire set the topic of the show was based around love.....I think I needed more than 3 hours to be honest with you from the stories I have let me tell you! Overall, it won't be the last time you'll be hearing me on australian airwaves and fingers crossed there will be a lot more opportunities to come...stay tuned!

Sunday saw my nostalgic return to church where I was greeted by a stand in american pastor...boy those yanks are over excited when it comes to god I'll tell ya. Running late as ever I managed to squeeze into a seat in the back row and catch the back end of the pastor's message this week which was based around approaching the lord with confidence when asking for forgiveness...nice to know he's there waiting for me I suppose. Unfortunately I didn't bump into any weirdo's this week which is a bit of a shame....there's always next week I guess.

After delightful weekend of near death experiences, ogling women and work firmly lodged in between there somewhere, Monday couldn't of came any sooner and I went in search of some Z list celebrities down south in Cronulla. After having the displeasure of watching flop tv series "The Shire" I decided to investigate further to see if these type of reality show personalities actually exist. After searching high and low at the beach, northies and the shopping mall I gave up hope on seeing these plastic fantastic superstars....time spent in Crapnulla....65 minutes.....See "Yewww" later!!!

So onto this week's message which I've heavily plagerised from an ex co worker of mine called Mark (I'm sure he won't mind!). To some it up in three word....MAKE IT HAPPEN....If you have a dream that you haven't fulfilled yet and something inside is holding you back, take care of that set back and MAKE IT HAPPEN.....why would you live a live full of regret and uncertainty which will then eat away at you day after day, week after week, year after year (you get the picture right?!?).....MAKE IT HAPPEN people...sooner rather later else that opportunity that's been staring you dead in the face may not be there when you need it most.

Until next time folks. Good bye and god bless

Forde Esq.

Black Man In Australia - Chapter 13

In the words of my dear mother, "Your a busy little bee aren't you son" of course I couldn't let her down. After a successful previous week I had do a lot to top it off and you know what...I gave it a bloody good go. Let's start off with Friday shall we and after volunteering on local radio station 2SER FM I got approached by one of the team members to cover a graveyard shift this weekend which I gracefully accepted. For those of whom that do not know what I mean by a "graveyard shift" it simply means that when you lot are partying hard to the early hours of the morning I'll be live on radio pushing buttons, playing music and doing what I love...everyone's a winner. So with the rest of the afternoon to spare I decided to take a trip to the infamous "Blue Mountains" out in Katoomba. 2 hours later on a train filled with screaming babies, jumped up school kids and old aged moany pensioners with hearing difficulties I finally made it to my destination safe, sound and raring to explore. For those with a spare day or two in Sydney I highly recommend taking time out to walk around the place and take in the scenic views of three sisters whilst embarking on the opportunity to take a hike within the national park...truly breathtaking!!!

So onto Saturday and due to the long bank holiday weekend my working Sunday turned into a working Saturday as I was called into action to referee another eventful football tournament at work. Stuffing my face full of pizza and soft drinks in between matches marked another day of great banter and borderline abuse from players, managers and their wannabe WAG's....fun times!!! In order to let off some steam I took a last minute trip into the city to again make a monumental return to Ivy Bar where this time round I managed to get in for free through contacts that shall not be revealed (remember it's all about who you know people?!?). Now as I remember it, this place was full of more snobs than the british royal family so I was intent on ruffling a few feathers to bring these jockey's off their high horse....challenge accepted!!! After surrounding myself with F class wannabe showbiz celebrities, enough was enough and I felt it was time to exit the prententious pit of illusion and return home to save myself for the long weekend ahead.

With no church service on Sunday I was left to entertain myself at this years Parklife festival where I volunteered for youth charity organisation "Heaps Decent". Frying like "fresh shrimps on the barbie" in the hot Sydney sun I got to listen to some of the UK's best urban acts which included Wiley, Skepta, Plan B and Labrinth while other more commercial and underground acts such as Nero and DJ Fresh also kept the crowd hyped and engaged. After partying on till the break of dawn (literally!) for 10 hours solid I was then led to believe that Kings Cross was where the party was at and boy who were they wrong. Although most venues were overcrowded with tired and rundown parklife attendees who had seen better days it's seemed that the party loving vibe had been left behind on the fields so on that note I decided to retire early to my pit in order to make the most of my bank holiday Monday...(see how sensible I am?!?).

So on comes Monday morning and after being on my feet all day Sunday my ankles feel like they've been hit by 10 sledgehammers by Mr. T. In the back of my mind my bed was begging me to stay and keep it company but I knew I had to make the most of the day especially with a busy working week ahead so I decided to take a trip down to Manly to see what the northern beaches had to offer me. In order to get there most people (me included) take the iconic Manly ferry starting off at Circular Quay and arriving promptly at Manly Wharf all under 30 minutes. Of course being a bank holiday everybody is out in force looking to make the most of the day so with that brought high volumes of beach traffic and copious amounts of shoppers full of tourists looking to splash the cash and then cry about it in the morning. Amongst the madness was annual Manly Arts Festival which was impressive to say the least. Filled with brass bands, choirs and musicians the festival had a huge amass turnout similar to when fans come to see me play (yeah it was that good....har-dee-ha ha ha!). As always I had my weekly random imbocile approachand make conversation with me which I have no problem with up until they get to that touchy subject that makes you cringe and you feel the need to just "walk away"....you know what I'm talking about?!? This time I had been conversating with a guy from Gold Coast discussing his time spent travelling and revealing things he had seen and experienced and whilst we were swapping stories he decided to try and tell me about his "hardships" of being a gay guy living in Sydney.....STOP The Record........HELLO?!? I'm a BLACK guy living in Sydney...ding ding ding...I think we have a winner...and it wasn't the drama queenslander either!!!

Well once again peeps it's that time again when I wrap things up, write somthing mature and meaningful and then go back to acting foolish and uncaring...sound familiar?!?. If I've mentioned this somewhere before I apologise but for me the message that sticks out clearly is to not judge a book by it's cover. This here is a lesson that I seem to be educating a lot of people over in aussieland that's for sure and the class size keeps on growing. After initially engaging eye contact with people apparently I come across as a hard faced gangster who maybe suspect to robbing you off your posessions if you look at me the wrong way.....stereotype maybe?!? Often or not when people get to know to me they realise I not actually that bad of a person (or so I've been told!). I cast my mind back to earlier this year when I was out partying in Brisbane and I met a young guy who looked like he was a few apples short of a cider but when I got to know him he came across as a very intelligent guy who was a small business owner and was currently studying a masters degree all at the tender age of 23 which most definitely puts the saying clearly into perspective...good on him I say!!! Whatever you do next folks when you meet someone new, please take the time out to get to know them properly because you never know what values they may bring to the table when you need them most.

Until next time, take care of yourself and each other

Forde Esq.